When I was a little girl, I carried around a piece of an old pillowcase. It was extremely soft, and I would rub it on my mouth and cheeks to soothe myself. I can still remember the smell and the pretty yellow roses that covered it.
It was affectionately known as my “schmata.” For those of you not up on your Yiddish, “schmata” means rag. Believe me that “rag” was an appropriate term for this worn and tattered piece of fabric. Yet, it could soothe me in the worst of times.
I seem to recall I was about seven when I decided it was time to give it up. I had my mom store it in her dresser. I knew I could get to it in a pinch, but it wouldn’t be readily accessible. While I felt I was too old for something so babyish, I knew how hard it would be to give up such comfort.
Neither of my kids had a “schmata,” but they each had something they relied on for soothing.
My son was pretty typical in his attachment to his pacifier. A nurse at the hospital gave him one when he wouldn’t stop screaming. It pretty much stayed with him till he was four. Yes, I got a lot of flak for letting him have it that long!
When he was 4, he decided on his own that it was time to be rid of it (or should I say the hundreds we kept around). He put in a box an gave it to me. Embarrassingly, that box still resides in the back of my closet.
My daughter’s preference for self-soothing was my hair! She would twist her fingers in it. The only way she could go to sleep was if I leaned over the side of her crib so she could play with my hair. It was not comfortable!
Luckily, my sister-in-law came to my rescue. She presented my infant daughter with a stuffed lion whose face was framed by a long mane. It was far easier on my back to let her go to sleep twisting the lion’s hair. That lion got her through the stresses of early childhood until she too, decided she was too big for her security item.
When we have babies, we are told how important it is for babies to self-soothe. We go through great pains to teach them the skill.
Yet, as we get older, we often decide that this skill is only for babies. Why is that? It certainly isn’t because we stop needing soothing!
As a DBT therapist, one of the skills I often remind clients of is self-soothing. It is an often overlooked need we all have when we are distressed. DBT reminds us that when we can’t solve the source of our stress, one of the ways to manage our feelings is to surround ourselves with items that are soothing to all of our five senses. The simplicity of the skill does not reduce its effectiveness.
Like many of us, I have been stressed lately. There are no immediate fixes, so I have been relying heavily on self soothe. That is why I framed and hung the above picture in my bedroom.
The picture is of the view across the lake from my parents’ porch. It is one of the most soothing sights for me. Waking up and going to sleep to that picture brings me comfort.
As far as my other senses, I love the sound of a thunderstorm, or birds singing. My sense of smell is soothed by a multitude of scented candles. My dogs are happy to soothe my sense of touch. As far as taste, don’t tell anyone, but I always have a secret stash of Nutella!
It would not be very socially acceptable for me to still be seen with my schmata, but I couldn’t get by without self-soothing.
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