There is nothing easy about addressing mental health issues. I have always known this and have great empathy towards the pain of the process. I consider myself privileged to be a part of my clients’ work towards mental health.
Many clients come to me desperate to rid themselves of intense and unpleasant emotions and the behaviors they lead to. They struggle to learn new skills, revel in “aha” moments and continue to work even when it feels easier to give up. As I often tell people, I wish I had a magic wand to take away their pain. Instead I can only offer steps to take and support them while they take them.
Not surprisingly, many clients are very frustrated by this process. They want to feel better instantly. They want me to offer an easy solution. They don’t want to take the hard steps. They have the misconception that simply showing up in my office is all they need to do. Though I understand those desires, I compare that to showing up at a gym and expecting to get in shape without actually using the equipment or taking the classes.
I will admit that sometimes I feel frustrated by these clients. Though in honesty, some of that frustration is based in my own feelings of helplessness. As I explained in “When Feelings of Helplessness Are Expressed as Anger,” this is a common experience.
Some of that frustration also comes from losing touch with just how much I ask of my clients. Instead of getting stuck in that frustration, I need to remind myself that we all have times when we want to “be better” without having to “get better.”
As I became irritated by several upcoming doctor appointments that I have, I remembered just that.
Roughly three years ago I became pretty sick with GI issues. I spent a few months telling myself I would get better if I just ignored it. I didn’t. I finally gave in and went to see my doctor.
I quickly became frustrated by the lack of an easy diagnosis and cure. I was stubborn about following up with more doctors and more tests. Couldn’t they just figure it out and give me a pill?! I didn’t have time for all the appointments and tests. They sucked!
When I was finally diagnosed with a combination of Ulcerative Colitis and Crohns disease, I was relieved. Now they could fix me. Wrong!
I have been through many medications. Each effective for a time, until they caused bigger problems than they cured. I get annoyed and willful with each trial. I would like to tell you that I am a perfect patient after three years, but that would be a bold-faced lie. I want someone to wave a magic wand, I want it to be easy and I don’t want to have to work so hard.
Oh yeah, so that’s how my clients feel!
It can be easy to get angry at people for not “trying hard enough” to get better. Not only do I experience it and witness it in my professional life, but I see it in my personal life. Haven’t you ever gotten frustrated with how hard it is to “get better” physically, emotionally, or at a particular skill set? We all want a magic wand.
At the end of the day, it is easier to get angry than to try and validate how hard getting better is. However, validating their experience is far more effective in allowing us to remain empathic, patient and supportive.
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Thank you, as always Alisa, for articulating this situation so well. I have found myself lashing out with anger at myself and my tween when I feel dis-empowered to do the work that seems never ending with myself (and that she won’t do for herself in other areas) and my own exhaustion with the work towards that never seems to end. I suspect this is another part of the human condition. Remembering this challenge we all have does indeed allow me too to have greater empathy and compassion for others and myself.
I am so glad that you are allowing yourself empathy and compassion towards yourself and others. It is natural to be impatient with yourself and with your daughter and validating that and patience makes it easier to work through it effectively. So glad you found the article helpful.