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Today I was asked “what’s the point of having dreams if they turn into expectations and then you are disappointed?”

My honest response to that question was “yikes!” but I didn’t think that was particularly helpful. So, the question has been rolling around in my head all day.

I keep coming back to the idea that the alternative is not having dreams and that seems incredibly bleak.

As a young girl, I dreamed of being an Olympic Gymnast. Unfortunately, even then, I realized I had little natural talent for the sport. However, my dream fueled me to transition from classes to the team. I practiced constantly at home. My dad even built me a low balance beam. When I wasn’t practicing, I was watching a movie we recorded about the life of Olympic gymnast Nadia Comaneci. That was in the days of VHS tapes and I wore that tape out!

I quit gymnastics when I was twelve, but I still think of that dream as a central part of my childhood. On some days it brought me joy just to entertain the dream. On other days it served as a great motivator to work hard at something. It also was one of my early introductions to the behavioral technique of exposure. The vault terrified me, but I learned that the more I confronted my fear, the more accomplished I felt.

My dream of becoming an Olympic gymnast never turned into an expectation. However, I was definitely disappointed with each piece of evidence that I wasn’t very good. Looking back, I think my disappointment was overshadowed by what I gained from dreaming.

Not surprisingly, in my teen years my dreams shifted to having a boyfriend. I had two HUGE crushes in high school. I had dreams of how our relationship would play out, all the romantic gestures and our future wedding. None of these dreams came to fruition.

Both of these crushes were within my friend group. That meant a constant reminder of what I wanted and wasn’t getting. These dreams definitely felt more like expectations than my Olympic aspirations. I don’t think we can control when our dreams morph into expectations.

My disappointment in never dating these guys was significant. There was a lot of crying to loudly played love songs. Worse yet, the realization that my dreams would not become reality led to a lot of self-doubt.

Despite my disappointment, once again, these dreams were valuable. They brought me hope and were often a source of happiness. They also led me to risk putting myself out there, an important life lesson.

Dreams are pretty common as a child. What about as an adult?

For a few years I have had a growing dream of writing a book. More specifically, a book that people read, like and find helpful!  A few months ago, my dream pushed me to start this blog. I honestly don’t know whether the entirety of the dream will come to pass. However, I do know that it has already pushed me out of my comfort zone. I feel excited when I get positive feedback. I feel disappointed when I don’t. Obviously, I prefer the excitement, but I would deny myself that experience if I wasn’t open to the disappointment.

While I see infinite value in having dreams, I cannot deny the increased chance for disappointment. I would simply argue that we lose more by avoiding disappointment than by holding onto dreams. Thus, the answer isn’t avoiding disappointment. Rather, we need to learn effective coping for tolerating the disappointment which includes reminding ourselves not to translate disappointment into self-doubt.

Having dreams will never guarantee that they will be realized. However, not having dreams guarantees that they won’t.

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