“What should I tell people?” is one of the more frequently asked questions I hear from clients. The topics the question is applied to vary greatly.
Following a psychiatric hospitalization, many people ask, “where should I say I was?”
Following the loss of a job people ask, “what should I say happened?”
Following the end of a relationship people ask, “What should I tell people?”
There are typically a lot of emotions behind these questions as people wrestle with finding a comfort zone between sharing too little and sharing too much. These are important opposites to balance. We all have different needs for privacy. There is not a right, or wrong amount. Yet, finding your own comfort zone can be very tricky.
I had a client who regularly referred to herself as having “verbal diarrhea.” She would share her personal history, thoughts and feelings with everyone. She recounted telling a store employee about the death of her father, a taxi driver about her dating history and many first dates her entire psychiatric history. She was not comfortable with how much she always shared and, at the same time, wanted people to truly know her.
We wanted to help her determine appropriate boundaries in different interpersonal relationships. On the one hand, we realized together that keeping too much to herself made her feel disconnected from people and fearful that she was being an imposter. On the other hand, sharing so much left her feeling very vulnerable. She was so afraid of being judged that her defensive response was to let it all hang out.
On the other extreme, I know many clients and friends whose family motto was extreme privacy. The message was that people should only be aware of a carefully shaped image family members presented. Any potential “flawed behavior” was treated as a secret. Many of these people noted that maintaining these “secrets” perpetuated a belief that they should be ashamed of any imperfections. While they benefitted from not feeling susceptible to continual public scrutiny, they were often plagued by assumptions of shame.
The struggle to find a comfortable middle ground between sharing too much and sharing too little is one I relate to greatly. I believe we are all entitled to our privacy and to protect our own boundaries. Yet, sharing is consistent with two things I value highly.
I value social connection involving two-way social support. We cannot have these if we do not allow some level of openness and vulnerability. In my opinion, the key is to share slowly and selectively. I try to stay mindful of why I am sharing.
I also strongly value challenging the belief that anyone is perfect or has it all together. We all struggle, and we all do our best. We all have flaws, flawed behavior and flawed relationships. Sharing our experiences of these imperfections is what helps us grow individually and validate each other.
It is with these values in mind that I have very slowly shared my marital struggles and the recent result of a separation. I needed privacy for myself and family as we worked through such a personal, difficult time. As we move forward, I have shared my news which could not remain private forever. I am working to find the happy medium between sharing too much and sharing too little. It is not the first time and won’t be the last time I work to balance these opposites.
Click HERE to follow Psychdiary on Facebook and receive links to new blog posts.
