Growing up, a friend of mine was consistently frustrated by the fact that his brother always received praise and recognition for doing the same things that were overlooked when he did them.
He was a straight A student, very responsible and never seemed to get in trouble. His brother was an average student who often made choices that earned his parents’ anger. Yet, when his brother received one “A,” or behaved “appropriately,” there was practically a parade in his honor. His parents explained that it was a bigger deal for the brother because he didn’t typically “behave as they hoped.” While this reasoning is understandable, my friend felt hurt by the lack of his parents’ recognition of his own hard work.
A current friend always dismisses praise and recognition. She explains away compliments about her warmth and sense of humor with “that’s how people should be.” She explains away compliments on her work performance with “that’s my job.” That may be, but it doesn’t mean her efforts aren’t appreciated.
Both of my friends have a common experience. They aren’t being given due credit for how hard they work because their hard work is expected, or common. Yet, their accomplishments still warrant recognition by themselves and others. If people comment quite loudly when we don’t accomplish what is common for us, or expected in our performance, why shouldn’t we recognize the positives? Let’s not fall into the thought distortion of “disqualifying the positives,” by explaining them away.
I don’t know about you, but there are a lot of things I am expected to do (by myself or others) that I don’t always accomplish.
I would like to be patient all the time. People seem to expect that of psychologists. I work hard at it and it may come more naturally to me than to some. I definitely still lose my patience! I have been working on giving myself credit when I maintain patience, not just being frustrated with myself for losing it.
I would like to manage both household and work responsibilities without getting stressed. Let’s be honest, I would like to just get them all done. Most of the times that I do, it goes unnoticed. Rest assured, someone comments when I miss something. That someone is often me. So, I am working on feeling accomplished for every load of laundry that is finished, especially the ones finished while I am still smiling.
Consider your favorite professional athlete. In our house, that would be either Tom Brady, or Michael Phelps. As a professional quarterback and swimmer, it is safe to assume that their athletic talent comes somewhat naturally to them. People also expect them to perform well. They hear about it when they don’t.
However, despite expectations that professional athletes “should” perform well, their faces are plastered all over the news and magazines for their accomplishments. I don’t think many people would argue that they shouldn’t be recognized because they are expected to perform well based on their talent.
We can’t always change how others react to us, but we can certainly work on acknowledging our own hard work….even when it is expected.
Can I ever relate to this blog! I give other’s credit/praise, but am sorely lacking in the “acknowledging myself” catagory .I was looking through my old High School yearbook yesterday (those h.s. pics are scary!). A “repetitive” theme many of my friends wrote was “I wish you would stop degrading yourself all the time.” All these years later and I still tend, albeit, much less often, to go there. Your words have definitely inspired me!