When my son was four weeks old, my husband had to escort me, hysterically crying, out of our local Starbucks. We had been quietly sitting there with our newborn when I read in one of my “baby books” that, at four weeks, babies should be sleeping through the night.
My son was not. Not even close. He had been sleeping no more than 20 consecutive minutes since the moment he was born.
“I am already messing up my child” screamed the voice in my head. Bring on the waterworks and people staring in Starbucks.
This episode is memorable for so many reasons. Obviously, there is the embarrassment factor of my outburst. More than that, it is my first memory of the fear and shame that plagues so many parents. The fear that comes from the belief we are messing up our kids.
A week later, my husband was travelling, and my stepmom convinced me to let her take my son for an overnight. When I arrived the next morning, she looked at me and said one of the most validating things I had ever heard.
“That is not normal.”
She was my savior with those words.
My son had been up all night for her as well. It wasn’t just me. I was not crazy.
As it turns out, my son had colic. He outgrew that, but has ben plagued by sleep difficulties his entire life. We have been through sleep studies with inconclusive findings. Maybe sleep apnea. Maybe not.
I honestly don’t know whether I have handled his sleep difficulties the “right way.” I still worry that I made decisions along the way that have not helped, or even made the situation worse.
I will never know.
What I do know, is that I was doing the best I could and I will continue to do the best I can.
Whether it is the sleep issues of infancy, the tantrums of toddlerhood, or the countless issues that continue to arise daily, there is no instruction manual. The best I can do is make thoughtful decisions as to how to handle situations as they arise. I frequently share this sentiment with parents in my clinical practice. Just as frequently, I remind myself.
In my clear-headed moments, I know the feelings of fear and shame that creep up when I see my kids struggling aren’t effective. I am doing the best I can. Of course, I will continue to seek guidance in trying to make the best decisions. I will keep trying to do even better.
Hopefully, I will continue these efforts without the fear and shame I felt that day in Starbucks.
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