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When I was roughly 11, my grandmother lovingly teased me that she was going to hang a sign around my neck that read “I’m sorry.” She was hopeful that doing so would reduce my need to say it. I think I had just apologized for not knowing what I wanted for lunch, followed by an apology when I suggested peanut butter and jelly. As you can likely guess, I was prone to over-apologizing.

I am actually a big fan of apologizing. I think it shows respect to another person when you are willing to give a sincere apology after wronging them in some way. When someone cuts me off in a store, but apologizes, my anger immediately diminishes. When I lose my patience with my family because I had a rough day unrelated to them, I feel they deserve an apology. The list goes on.

The challenge here is to find the balance between not over-apologizing, while also being willing to apologize when appropriate.

DBT teaches the important role apologizing plays in maintaining our self-respect. When we over apologize, we are communicating that we don’t deserve to have needs or take up space in the world. We are sending that message to others, and more detrimentally, to ourselves. An urge to apologize often signals feelings of guilt. Are these feelings warranted, or a sign that we need to improve our self-respect?

For some reason, I have a very clear memory of a dinner out with my husband when we were still dating. I took the first bite of my meal and, before I could catch myself, my face contorted in disgust. The food was salty beyond being edible. I said as much to my husband and continued to nibble on rolls. When the waiter came to the table and asked how everything was, I replied “good, thank you.” Having tasted my meal, my husband intervened and politely told the waiter it was inedible. I apologized to the waiter.

What exactly was I apologizing for? Did I need to feel guilty for wanting the meal I paid for to be edible? Without realizing it, my apology chipped at my self-respect because I felt like an imposition. I confused my desire to be polite with thinking I couldn’t have needs. A more self-respecting approach would have been to say “Thank you for asking. My meal is actually too salty, and I would appreciate a different option.”

In general, thanking someone rather than apologizing when its unnecessary can only make everyone feel respected.

Showing respect for others actually heightens our sense of self-respect at the same time. That’s why apologizing when we have truly wronged someone is just as important as not over-apologizing.

After a bad day, I have to admit I can be a bit snarky to my husband. It kind of stinks that the people we can let our guard down with often get the brunt of a bad day! My goal is to be mindful of not doing it, but I am far from perfect in my goal. The least I can do is apologize. It validates that he didn’t deserve to be treated that way. By acknowledging my wrong, I don’t erase my behavior, but I respect myself more for doing what I can to make it right…. preferably without going to the other extreme of over-apologizing.

Finding the balance is always a challenge. It requires us to be mindful and intentional in our actions. The next time you notice the urge to apologize, ask yourself if that apology would be better replaced by a “thank-you.” At the same time, pay attention to whether an apology in the situation is likely to increase, or decrease your self-respect.

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