Do you ever find that you are upset about events that haven’t even occurred yet?
Yesterday morning my son was watching tv while eating breakfast before school. As the time to leave for the bus inched closer, I reminded him of the things he still needed to do. I was becoming silently more agitated.
He had not packed his food for before swim practice yet. His books were still spread on the kitchen table. I had also told him the dishwasher needed to be emptied to accommodate the dishes that were already accumulating that morning.
I was frustrated because I imagined he would scramble last minute and not have time to get it all done because he was absorbed in his show. It wouldn’t be the first time that happened.
I debated starting to nag him. I can’t stand nagging! I debated the fact that if he forgot his food it was really his own problem. I debated what to do about the dishwasher. I could leave it until evening so that he didn’t get out of his responsibility, or I could do the chore, so the mess wouldn’t drive me crazy.
There was a lot of thinking going into this predicted problem and I was getting frustrated that he didn’t plan better.
While I was stuck in my own head with “what ifs,” a funny thing happened. About five minutes before he needed to leave for the bus, he got up and packed his books. Then he packed the rest of his snack after thanking me for starting it. Then he emptied the dishwasher. He left the house on time and made the bus without issue.
I was super relieved, and I thanked him. Yet, I was still feeling the need to calm my nerves from the frustration over something that never happened! It had happened before, and I would have been legitimately annoyed if it happened again. But it didn’t! I wasted a lot of emotional energy.
I thought about it for the remainder of my morning routine and had a few realizations.
I am a planner. I like to have a plan for the multiple ways a situation might turn out. In that way, I feel like there is less likelihood that I will be left with a last-minute scramble. To an extent, that makes sense.
At the same time, I often spend precious time and mental energy planning for events that never happen. Moreover, I get frustrated about them!
I often work with clients on a skill referred to as “cope ahead.” We can reduce intense emotions and resulting problems by making a plan for how we will cope in the upcoming situation. This is great for reducing anxiety about a known situation.
However, we can overuse this skill when we are “coping ahead” for every possible scenario. To use an extreme example, we don’t wake up in the morning and “cope ahead” for an unpredicted tsunami. It could happen, but the likelihood is very slim. Coping ahead is only helpful for high-likelihood events.
We all need to work on balancing when we cope ahead and when we stay mindful of the present moment. If we are always planning for the what if’s, we lose experiencing the current moment of calm. It is a definite balancing act!
In addition, to my own need to work on this balance, I recognized that, with my son, I was responding to a current situation based on past experiences. It is not unusual to respond based on history. However, it can lead us to react without incorporating new information.
I reacted to my son’s television viewing based on the past. Yet, we have recently been talking about him being more tuned in to what needs to get done. My frustration was based on an assumption that he hadn’t made an improvement following our conversations.
My take away message from the morning was that I tend to “cope ahead” more than is always useful. I need to tip the scales more towards mindfulness of the current moment. I also need to be aware of whether my present emotional reactions are rooted in past situations.
Wish me luck!!
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