Not surprisingly given my career choice, I am an empath. I tend to be very tuned in to people’s emotional state. When they are people, I care about it, whether client, family, or friend, I can feel these emotions deeply.
That quality is super fun when these people are feeling happy or joyous. When a client tells me they got into the college they hoped for, I feel the joy. When a friend gets a promotion, I want to celebrate with them. When one of my kids is proud of themselves, I am over the moon.
Here comes the not so fun part. When these people I care about feel pain, I feel pain. While I respect this quality in myself, I also really don’t like it! When someone is hurting, I want to make the hurting stop for all of us. The problem is that I often can’t.
In DBT we differentiate between skills for emotion regulation and skills for distress tolerance. One reason for that is that, while we have tools to change the intensity of our emotions, that does not mean the emotions go away. There are times when we must tolerate the discomfort. Maybe it will take time to “fix” the root of our pain, or maybe it can’t be fixed. Sometimes we don’t even want it to be fixed.
As the observer of someone else’s pain, we also need to remember this distinction. Our way of supporting them may not be fixing their emotion. It may simply be helping them tolerate it. We can do that by simply being with them in their pain.
I believe this wholeheartedly. I also struggle with it daily.
A client reached out to me earlier this week. He texted something to the effect of “I am in so much pain, Alisa, please make it stop.” This is not an unusual request for me to hear, but it is hard every time. My initial reaction is always, “what skill can I offer to fix this person’s pain.” On really good days I do have a solution. Often, however, I must come to terms with the fact that all I can do in the immediate moment is be with them in their pain. I must tolerate my distress to help them tolerate theirs.
I had a mom ask me this week how she can stop her daughter from feeling sad over her impending divorce. Oh boy do I understand that question. Yet, I also know this is not a sadness that can be “fixed.” When sad things happen, it makes sense that we feel sad. When sad things happen to our loved ones, it makes sense that we feel sad. We may be able to help them change their thoughts or behaviors to moderate the sadness. We may also need to acknowledge their sadness and its validity.
I have sat so many times with one of my own tearful teenagers. Wow is that hard. I actively remind myself that it is not always my role to solve their pain. Even if it would make me feel better too. However, I can always listen and support them.
There have been many times I have felt awful that I can’t fix someone’s pain. I know I am not alone. So, I write this to remind myself and to remind you, that as much as it hurts, sometimes all we can provide is a hug. Sometimes all our loved one needs is a listening ear. Don’t underestimate the power of being with someone in their pain rather than fixing it.
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