My daughter has always been independent and driven to do things for herself. It is a quality that serves her well in so many ways. Yet, it can also make her life unnecessarily difficult.
Last quarter she was struggling to keep her science grade where she wanted. Since I am no use with science, I suggested she reach out to her teacher and offered to find her a tutor. Her reaction clearly communicated that this was the wrong response!
She became tearful and explained that she had to figure it out for herself and that she would feel badly if she had to ask for help. Honestly, I was far more concerned with that thought process than with her science performance.
I want her to know we all need help at times. We can’t know everything about everything and, even if we are capable of a lot of things, we can’t do it all at once. I am fortunate enough to have people who remind me of that, and, yet, I too forget.
I served as that reminder to a former client recently. Though we stopped our work together years ago, I love that she periodically reaches out to let me know how she is doing.
As a high school student, she learned that when she protects her mental health, she is capable of accomplishing great things. She can independently balance her emotional needs and the needs of her environment without feeling she is going to fall apart.
Recently, however, her stress plate is full to capacity. She is living at home to balance caretaking for two very ill family members, working, volunteering and applying to graduate school. There is not much time for sleep and self-care.
When she reached out to me, she was understandably in need of some validation. What concerned me most though was her statement that she could handle it on her own but would let me know if she “cracked.”
Why do we think we have to wait till we “crack” before we ask for help?!
I think many of us truly struggle to find the balance between independence and dependence. As babies, we are completely dependent on others to meet our needs. We then spend our childhood and young adult years working to become capable of independence. While this independence is an important goal to a healthy lifestyle, I think we may be confusing moving towards independence with having to be completely independent.
I say this with confidence as I watch others struggle to find the balance and notice my own difficulties remembering that independence/dependence operates on a spectrum. It is not black and white!
Being independent does not mean we can or should do everything on our own. It means we have found a happy balance of doing some things on our own and asking for help at other times.
Asking for help should not be a last resort before we crack. It is best used as a preventative measure to avoid becoming overwhelmed.
Just as we don’t need to use “Exhaustion as Badge of Honor,” we do not need to make complete independence a measure of our worth or capability. We need to find our own sweet spot on the continuum. We also need to be flexible in where each of us needs to be on the continuum at any given time.
I am so proud of my daughter and former client for their pride in independence. I want them to know they are independent people even when some help and support is needed.
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