I feel an immense sadness at the toll this pandemic is taking on individuals, families and communities. Alongside of this sadness is a huge sense of gratitude.
I constantly find myself feeling fortunate for the fact that my job is fairly secure. Though not ideal, I am thankful that I can work from the safety of my own home. I am thankful that I have two teenagers who are taking responsibility for their schoolwork as opposed to younger kids who need far more attention. Most importantly, I am unbelievably thankful that my friends, family and clients have remained physically healthy.
That is not to say I have not experienced negative impacts. I most definitely have. My stress load is definitely increased, and my anxiety is higher. Most noticeably, I am feeling a real loss for my previous lack of constant concern over catching something. As someone labeled “most vulnerable,” right now, I am experiencing new levels of anxiety regarding my health and its impact on my family.
I have made room for both the sadness and the gratitude. While each may take its turn being more prominent, I know they can coexist.
What I am struggling most to make peace with is guilt. I have become keenly aware of feeling guilty for having so much to be thankful for. How dare I be so “okay” when others are unemployed, unable to pay bills losing loved ones and losing their lives.
It has occurred to me that I am experiencing a form of “survivor’s guilt.”
Like all emotions, guilt can be productive. It can help us maintain our values and motivates us to change behaviors and repair relationships. These uses, however, assume we have some responsibility for the misfortune of others.
In contrast, sometimes we feel guilt for being fortunate. Survivor’s guilt occurs when people believe they have done something wrong by surviving or avoiding some type of harm when others did not. This phenomenon can occur in a variety of life-threatening situations including car accidents, wars, natural disasters, and illnesses. I think many of us are experiencing it with the pandemic.
Symptoms of survivor guilt typically include nightmares, difficulty sleeping, loss of motivation, irritability, a sense of numbness, and thoughts about the meaning of life. Individuals who experience survivor guilt may wonder why they lived when other people died, why they got lucky when others did not, whether they could or should have done anything more to prevent the suffering of others.
Any of this feeling familiar? It is definitely resonating with my own experience. Furthermore, I have heard many others describe a similar feeling.
I have also heard others describe guilt over having positive experiences right now while others are in such difficult times. Despite the overwhelming nature of the pandemic, people are continuing to receive good news as well. I have listened to people who landed new jobs, have had babies and have been accepted to colleges. Each of them feels guilty and hesitant in celebrating these events in light of other’s suffering.
As much as I relate to these experiences, I am working to remind myself and others, that sometimes we need to reframe guilt as gratitude. Our positive experiences, or lack of suffering do not in any way increase the suffering of others. We do not need guilt to motivate us towards changing behaviors or repairing relationships.
We can, however, benefit from gratitude.
As I have said, I am very mindful of my own gratitude. However, the feelings of guilt continue to pop up. I know I am not likely to erase these feeling all together. Instead, I am actively working on reframing each thought of guilt into a feeling of gratitude. I find it to be a far more effective emotion in these times.
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