My dad and I used to play the game “mercy.” We would squeeze each other’s fingers to see if the other would give in first. We never did. Oddly though, this game didn’t end with tears, or “ouch.” I remember the game with a smile, not a flinch. We always laughed. I was always proud of myself for not “giving in.”
This is a trait I have carried into my adulthood. I have a really hard time saying “mercy.” As an adult this translates into not wanting to say “no” to one more request and not wanting to say, “I am too exhausted,” or “too sick.” In a lot of ways, I respect this trait in myself. However, I have come to realize that it has drawbacks as well.
At work, I talk about the importance of self-care all the time. It is impossible to regulate your emotions when you are exhausted and worn down. This is not a privilege but a necessity. As flight attendants teach us, we need to put on our own oxygen mask before assisting others. This is a lesson that reaches far beyond your next flight! Yet, often my reason for not taking care of myself is my belief that others are depending on me with needs that are more important.
I know I am not alone in my fear of putting my own needs first. It feels selfish to say “mercy.” Then I remind myself that this “feeling” is not fact. My needs are just as important as everyone else’s. I want to believe that, and I want to model it for my kids and clients.
I took a step in that direction with the last snow day. My typical snow day consists of me making plans for my kids, taking an extra-long commute to work and then being frustrated when most of my clients cancel because they don’t want to drive in the snow. They are clearly smarter than I am!
This time around I knew I could make it in. The thought nagged at me. A really bad cold was nagging at me too. I have never missed work for a cold. This time I asked myself the question I often ask clients when they say, “that’s what I always do.”
“So, how’s that working out for you so far?”
The answer is …. “not well!!!!!”
It was time to try something new. I decided that my feelings of guilt were not actually evidence that I should push through. I stayed home. Okay, so I cheated and did two phone sessions, but that is not the point. The point is that I tried something new and found out something shocking. The world did not come to an end! In fact, I felt so much better the next day.
I often feel frustrated when clients tell me that the kinder, gentler rules they hold for others don’t apply to them, but I was doing the same thing. That doesn’t mean I plan to stay home every snow day, or whenever I don’t feel 100%.
The reality is that it is a good thing to be able to push yourself at times. However, it is also a good thing to know when to say “mercy.” I simply am reminding myself of something I already know. There is merit in both positions, not just one or the other. We need to be willing to experiment with our own balance.
The most important message is that I need to listen to my own advice more often. Maybe you should too 😉
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