Lately I have found myself distressed by the amount of anger around me, and the feelings of anger I have been experiencing. People are angry over politics, they are angry over the virus, they are angry at the schools. The list keeps going. Worse yet, like a yawn, one person’s anger seems to trigger the next person’s anger and on we go.
To put it simply, I don’t like all the anger around me, and I don’t like the fact that, for a variety of reasons, I have been feeling flooded with anger myself. It has led to a lot of reflection.
Anger typically develops in response to the unwanted actions of another person or group of people who is perceived to be disrespectful, demeaning, threatening or neglectful. There are a whole lot of reasons that a whole lot of people feel their safety and respect are being threatened. Moreover, these threats are being communicated in disrespectful and demeaning ways. Just take a look at the news and social media.
Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. Like all emotions, it has a productive component. When we experience mid-range levels of anger, we feel motivated to actions such as confronting the injustice. In states of controlled anger, we are even more effective at solution-focused processing. Finally, feelings of anger tend to prevent feelings of helplessness.
We don’t want to be rid of all anger. If we did, we would internalize perceived injustices as about ourselves. In other words, instead of recognizing that we have been wronged, we would take a hit to our feelings of self-worth.
Yet, just as feeling no anger is maladaptive, feeling intense anger for prolonged periods is also problematic. There are several physical symptoms including headaches, digestive issues, insomnia, increased anxiety and high blood pressure. Intense anger also leads to problematic ways of expression. Specifically, people become verbally and physically aggressive.
Lately, I have been experiencing all of those physical symptoms, so it is time to take action before those aggressive urges start!
My first attempts to regulate my anger centered around following the “call to action” that it motivated. I have tried in the ways that I can to “right the wrongs” I perceive. The difficulty is that there has been only so much I can do. Realizing this is where the feelings of helplessness seep in.
Rather than staying in that place, I have been doing my best to utilize an emotion regulation skill I often discuss with clients. The skill is referred to as “opposite action.”
It involves noticing unproductive urges associated with are emotional state and then doing the opposite.
The reality is that when we act on our emotion-driven behavioral urges, we actually maintain the emotion. In contrast, doing the opposite to our urges results in decreasing the intensity of the emotion.
In the case of anger, as I mentioned, our urges tend to involve some form of aggressive attack. This might be an urge to say something hurtful, or to actually throw a punch. Some of these urges may even feel good in the short run. Let’s be honest, there is great satisfaction in the well-crafted verbal comeback! Unfortunately, the satisfaction is short lived. In the long run, we maintain, or increase our anger levels. Hence the need for opposite action.
When I want to decrease my anger, I do the opposite of lashing out by trying to embrace thoughts and behaviors that demonstrate love and kindness. Now, before you think I am attempting sainthood, I will explain that these thoughts are not focused on the source of my anger. Rather, I focus them on other people.
At the moment, when I feel anger creeping up, I send a note of love to my kids. I also might reach out to let a friend know I am thinking of them. While these acts do not rid me of all anger, they do shift my focus and remind me that there is plenty of love and kindness even when anger is high.
I truly hope we begin to heal from all the current anger. Let’s each do our part to make that happen.
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