During the holiday season I really enjoyed watching my daughter “make her list and check it twice.” She went above and beyond making sure she had an idea for everyone she could think of. While many gifts were homemade, she also spent every penny she had and asked for extra chores to earn more money for gifts.
Since the holidays she has acted similarly for other occasions that popped up. I am consistently struck by her thoughtfulness and generosity. She truly enjoys watching people open what she has prepared. She also loves putting her passion for shopping to good use!
As much as I admire this quality, I also sometimes worry about it. Granted, I am a worrier and can find reasons to worry about most things. At the same time, I do believe it is possible to be too generous.
I think generosity becomes a problem when we consistently put others’ needs before our own. It’s important to ask ourselves whether we are over-limiting what we can do for ourselves by spending all our resources (financial or time) on others. Similarly, it is hard to be honest with ourselves as to whether we are too motivated by others’ approval. I certainly don’t think either of these conditions are always the case. I simply don’t think we are always mindful of when they are.
One of my favorite DBT skills for regulating our emotions is “contribute.” By doing something that contributes to another’s happiness, we increase our own. For starters, another person’s happiness can be contagious. The satisfaction of being the root of their joy can also improve our own moods. In addition, when our emotions are intense, they increase our focus on ourselves. In the case of distress, that attention isn’t always effective. We can decrease emotion intensity by shifting our focus to someone else’s needs.
While I love this skill, I am also aware of how gift-giving can be viewed through a lens of DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills. DBT encourages us to communicate with others in ways that build our self-respect. One of those ways is being “fair” in our interactions with others. Being fair to ourselves, as well as fair to others. Giving gifts is definitely a form of communication. If we give to the point of depriving ourselves, we are not being fair to our own needs. We are also sending the message to ourselves and others that our needs aren’t as important.
As I write this, I am having an “aha” moment. At the holidays, my husband and I try to be generous with our kids and do not exchange anywhere near as many gifts with each other. We definitely do not deprive ourselves, but the appearance isn’t fair either. What message have we sent unintentionally? Hmmm….
I prefer to think my daughter has modeled her gift-giving after some incredibly thoughtful and generous gift givers in our family. Who knows? She probably learned it from television 😉
At the end of the day, my daughter’s generosity inspires me. What I find even more inspiring is the thought she puts into it. I just want her to send herself healthy messages and find only joy in giving.
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