While watching a family movie recently, I noticed my daughter was distracted by her cell phone. I would love if we could all watch a movie without being distracted by phones! However, everyone in my family is guilty of it at times and I choose to pick my battles.
On this occasion, she seemed to be getting increasingly agitated, so I asked her about it. I was expecting something easy to resolve but was sorely disappointed. There was an issue unfolding that involved a schoolmate self-injuring. These are the moments when I feel like my personal and professional lives collide.
A large part of my professional life is devoted to helping people with self-injury behaviors such as cutting. At work, I feel confident in my knowledge of DBT as a method to help people. As a mom, my confidence quickly waned. While I know middle schoolers engage in this behavior, the news really upset me when it landed so close to home. It upset me for the tween involved as well as for my daughter and her friends who were struggling to handle it.
My daughter explained that she and some friends had seen signs that a schoolmate was cutting. Since then, somebody had reported concern to a guidance counselor and the student’s parents were called. My daughter’s friends were now engaged in accusing each other of “snitching.” My daughter was one of the accused.
In the moment, she was understandably concerned with demonstrating her innocence in the “snitching accusation.” While we worked through that, I was more concerned with the idea that seeking help was perceived as snitching. We discussed there being a big difference between trying to get someone in trouble and trying to engage the help of an adult in a dangerous situation.
I want my daughter and her friends to recognize their growing ability to take on the world and support each other as they do. Just as importantly, I want them to be able to recognize when a situation is beyond their ability to handle effectively.
A knowledge of how to handle everything is not what differentiates teenagers from adults. The differentiation comes from recognizing that it is okay not to have all the answers. I know I don’t!
If a person of any age encounters a friend doubled over in physical pain, their almost unanimous choice would be to seek help. It would certainly not be considered “snitching.” Anyone would recognize the greater need to get help from some equipped to understand the problem.
Self-Injury is a difficult behavior to understand. There are a lot of reasons people engage in this behavior and a lot of misinformation about why they do. A full exploration is beyond the scope of this post, but I do feel it is important for more people to have a general understanding.
Self-Injury is a sign that someone is experiencing emotional pain beyond their skills to effectively handle it. The cause of the pain is different and can vary in scope. Most importantly, it is not a behavior to be judged, but rather to be understood….by a professional. Far too often it is dismissed as “attention seeking.” The reality is most people who self-injure go to great lengths to hide it. Furthermore, on the occasion that self-injury is how someone is seeking attention, we are better off wondering why this is the method of communication they felt driven to.
A person engaging in self-injury needs help to understand what is leading them to hurt themselves. A person who becomes aware of a friend, their own child, or someone they care about that is struggling with self-injury also needs help. It is upsetting and anxiety provoking to wonder why someone you care about is hurting themselves and if they are in danger.
Someone outside the medical profession knows they are unable to assess or treat physical pain. We need to address emotional pain in a similar way, by seeking help from the mental health field.
Regardless of our age, we need to remember that the most effective way of looking out for someone we care about often means seeking help from the right person.
