I had a rough morning the other day. By around noon I was telling myself it had been a bad day. Luckily, I realized that was an overgeneralization. I had a bad few hours. The hours prior to 10 had been great and there was still plenty of time for the day to improve again. I have to say that recognizing this was helpful.
That said, the culmination of my bad few hours was being verbally attacked at the grocery store by a stranger. Let me assure you that I have played the scenario over and over in my head. I am certain I didn’t deserve to be screamed at. Let me explain…
I was returning my grocery cart in the parking lot and there were two cars idling and waiting to park. I needed to cross the aisle to get to my car. The rear car driver waved me across, but as I crossed, the driver in front started to reverse. She almost hit me, but stopped on time. Phew. Her reaction, however, was to start screaming at me with a lot of expletives! I believe her tirade went something like this ….
“What the f*** is wrong with you, you crazy bitch. You are such an asshole.” Luckily, she clarified to the other driver that she wasn’t yelling at him, but to the “bitch lady who crossed the street.” I’m so glad we cleared that up!
She proceeded to glare at me as I got into my car. I was very aware of the blood rushing to my face and the impulse to scream right back at her. I am glad I noticed the urge before acting on it because I have no need to be in a grocery store brawl.
Looking back, I would like to say that I just walked away. Admittedly, I couldn’t. Instead, I turned with a smile and responded “there is no need for any of us to yell at anyone.” I felt satisfied that I stayed calm and stood up for myself. At the same time, there is no doubt I was being passive aggressive.
In previous posts I have explained the DBT concept of opposite action (see “Opposite Action at the Pool”). If I really wanted to decrease my anger, a genuine opposite action to my urge to attack, would have been to walk away completely. I could have even given her a hug and shown empathy for the fact that she was clearly in a bad mood. Let’s not push it though!
The most frustrating part is that, a few days later, I still haven’t been able to let it go. This is something I frequently talk to clients about. It is not uncommon for people to play scenarios over and over in their heads. We typically agree that this is only effective to the extent that it allows you to think about where you might make a different choice and plan to execute that in the future.
As I wrote, I have already done that. I am also writing about it as a way to move past it. However, given that there is nothing more I can do, it is time to move towards distracting myself from the thoughts. I plan to go have dinner and watch a show with my kids.
Let’s hope that works!
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