Do you ever look around yourself and think “I should be blissfully happy right now…and I am not?” That was the thought I had on my second day of my family vacation. It was not a thought I was expecting.
Frankly, it was probably due in part to the fact that a lot of things were not what I was expecting. I was working hard to adjust my expectations, but I knew it would take me time to settle in. One thing I have come to know about myself is that I don’t react well when a plan unfolds differently than I imagined. No doubt I will be working on that for a lifetime.
Adding to my own mood was the crankiness of my family. We were all a bit sleep deprived still and were having some trouble getting on the same page of what we wanted to do and where we wanted to be. There is some level of adjustment even when you are trying to settle into a beautiful place.
Despite everyone’s edginess, I realized a greater cause of my unhappiness was a thought I pinpointed. I was telling myself that I needed to make everyone happy. I thought that I had to do whatever everyone else wanted and I had to be the source of finding consensus.
I laughed at myself a little for this thought. It is the same thought that I have challenged with so many clients. Now it was time to challenge it for myself.
It is not one person’s responsibility to make everyone happy, or to regulate everyone else’s experience. We can only take responsibility for ourselves. It is a wonderful plan to attend to other’s happiness. It simply needs to be in balance with attending to your own and not, the only goal.
So, why was I trying and frustrating myself? Obviously, my experience would be happier if I was surrounded by happy people. However, instead of trying to control what I can’t, it is more effective to work on regulating myself and how I was interacting with other’s emotions.
As I explained in my post, “Holiday Participation,” DBT teaches us that we can be present in the moment at different levels of awareness: observe, describe and participate. I needed to focus on observing my family’s emotions and desires without being sucked in. At the same time, I could focus my awareness on the parts of each experience that were making me happy.
As strongly as I believe this, it is often easier said than done! For me, it means being mindful enough of my internal reactions to take a deep breath before I make those reactions known to everyone else! When the urge to sarcastically yell “seriously guys,” or to play peace-maker bubbles up, I try to simply observe.
Please note the word “try.” It is not as if we can make this decision to observe without participation once. We need to continually make that decision. If I maintain my effort, I find I am at least successful some of the time.
Once I recognized that my attempts to make everyone else happier were having the unintended effect of making me crankier, my mood improved. I don’t mean I was suddenly ecstatic, or that I completely stopped participating in the emotions around me. I simply mean I was a bit more content, and the day didn’t continue on a downward spiral. Instead, we all rode the crankiness wave and began settling in and taking advantage of the vacation.
I will also say that I chose to fully participate in my desire to get sucked into a good book. Later in the week I will tell you all about it.
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