Lately, I have been having a lot of conversations with clients about setting goals. There seems to be an assumption that it is alwaysgood to have goals. The assumption has left me spending a lot of time considering how helpful goals can be and how harmful! I think we all focus so much on the benefits that we may forget about some of the pitfalls.
Goals function as great motivation by giving us vison and a sense of purpose. Yet, I think many of us have forgotten the actual definition. I looked it up recently to prove a point. Merriam Webster Dictionary defines a goal as “the end towards which our effort is directed.”
While we all get that concept, somewhere along the line I think we also added to that definition in our minds. The addition involves the notion that goals are also an assessment tool. I would like to point out to myself and everyone else that no source defines goal as “a tool by which to measure our self-worth!”
So many of us lose sight of this. We set goals and we work hard towards them. If we achieve them, great… but, what if we don’t? It certainly makes sense to be disappointed. However, the common result of beating yourself up is not effective. It may decrease our motivation in the future, it may make us anxious about future failure, it may decrease our self-esteem. Bottom line, it makes us feel like crap and that is not the purpose of goals!
Beyond using un-met goals as ammunition for negative self-talk, we use goals ineffectively when we allow them to take over our enjoyment of the moment.
I used to be very guilty of being so concerned about my next goal that I didn’t stop to allow myself the celebration of the current accomplishment. I also didn’t focus on the enjoyment of many stages because my attention was disproportionately directed at my goals.
There is no doubt that I missed a lot of opportunities for fun in all my schooling stages because I was worried about admissions at the next stage, or whether the next assignment would be the one to blow my desired Grade Point Average. I try so hard to save my kids from that trap. It’s not going so well!
This is an area where I do believe I have made strides despite having a long way to go. In my post last week, The Comparison Trap, I wrote about how quickly my sense of accomplishment in blogging deflated when I compared myself to all those more successful. While I can’t say that I don’t want to hit some of those future benchmarks, I have been more actively trying to focus on enjoying the process.
While my goals have added motivation and purpose, they have also outweighed my ability to chill out, or enjoy purposelessness. We don’t often recognize the importance of purposeless activities. They offer opportunities to tap into pure enjoyment, discover new pleasures, and let go of the burdens, worries and stresses that might be present in life.
I know I will always be driven by goals, but I hope to find a better balance between goal-directed activities and those whose purpose is more about the moment. Uh-oh, is that a goal?
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I am a member of the DBT list serve and saw the link. I have at least three clients I’d like to discuss this with. Your thoughts about the pitfalls of setting goals especially relate to any goal directed at habit change such as losing weight, setting exercise goals, quitting smoking. The discouragement of multiple trials can result in much self-recrimination. As far as balance, the mindfulness practice of setting my intention has been helpful. Thanks for writing.