Recently, a teenaged client described a familiar scenario to me. She had become very emotional following a fight in her circle of friends. Having overheard some of the conflict, her parents’ response was to offer advice. A very understandable response.
Unfortunately, sobbing teenagers are not typically in the best state of mind to handle advice. Even if they agree with the suggestions, their emotions may override their ability to execute the advised approach effectively. In this particular situation, as in many, the teens’ best intentions were overshadowed.
Despite her efforts, her parents became angered that she was making things worse. Their anger was confusing and upsetting when she was really looking for support.
You might wonder why her parents chose anger over support. I think many are surprised to realize that the two are not mutually exclusive. Trying to support someone and not feeling like we are being successful can make us feel helpless. When that feeling is intolerable, it is often communicated as anger.
In other words, the anger we express towards the person we are trying to support can be more reflective at our anger over feeling helpless.
Like my teen client, I can remember times when I was the recipient of that type of anger. I can still recall the sound of mounting frustration in my parents’ voices as I would cry over the most recent high school distress. At the time, it didn’t make sense to me. In fact, I am pretty sure it drove me crazy. Yet, I grew to understand the real source of the anger.
They were so angry that they couldn’t “fix it.” Okay, there may have also been some instances when I was just being a pain in the ass. However, I still maintain that was only a part of their frustration.
I have experienced this frustration in my adult years both as the recipient of the anger and as the person getting angry.
Last year, my daughter took a nasty fall off a horse. Upon receiving the call from the barn, my husband and I did a mad dash to the emergency room. I am embarrassed to admit I was a bit of a bitch during the car ride. I felt so helpless and it just made me angry. My poor husband! I certainly wasn’t angry at him, but the anger had to go somewhere.
As parents, friends or partners, it is often one of our greatest desires to protect the other from pain. When we can’t it can make us pretty angry. Unfortunately, this anger has the counterproductive effect of intensifying the other’s distress.
None of us will likely become perfect at controlling this anger. Yet, I have found being mindful of the relationship between feelings of helplessness and anger to reduce my own reactivity whether I am expressing the anger or receiving it. Knowledge of this connection also tends to reduce the likelihood of a series of escalating angry exchanges.
I know my client still wished her parents could have just given her a hug. My hope is that a different perspective on their anger allowed her to realize it didn’t mean that they didn’t support her.
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