When my now 13-year-old daughter was a newborn, I was introduced to the show Grey’s Anatomy. I quickly caught up on the three seasons that had already aired and became a loyal fan. My devotion to the show has definitely waxed and waned over the years. My husband is not wrong when he refers to it as “depressing tv.” Yet, I keep coming back.
Last night I had the opportunity to relax with an episode. I am behind, but I have made it to current season! I really enjoyed this particular episode. If you are behind like me, I promise this will not involve spoilers. However, it touched on a topic that I work hard to remind myself and my clients about.
Typically references to psychotherapy on TV shows irritate me in their portrayals. TV therapists say some really strange things! Real therapist say strange things too, I am sure, but we do not “hug it out,” or spend entire sessions repeating “how does that make you feel?” Oh Lord!!
This particular episode of Grey’s Anatomy, however, depicted a character recounting some important lessons from a trusted therapist. My favorite is the importance of not over-using the conjunction “but,” when “and” reflects a more accurate message.
I promise this is not a grammar lesson. Rather I am referring to the fact that we often use “but” to discount important parts of our experiences and feelings about them. In contrast, “and” allows us to be mindful of the whole picture.
During this episode of Grey’s Anatomy, two of the characters were discussing one’s recent discovery of an unexpected pregnancy. The pregnant character listed an assortment of positive reactions with a smile and enthusiasm. All of that disappeared as she ended her list of reactions with “but I am terrified.” At that point her whole demeanor changed to one of stress.
The second character didn’t miss a beat and responded with “you mean AND I am scared.” As the look of bewilderment crossed the face of the pregnant woman, the second explained what her therapist had taught her.
By using the word “but,” all the positives were discounted in her mind and replaced with the fear she was experiencing. In reality, we can experience both enthusiasm and fear. Moreover, the fear does not need to hold more emotional weight than the enthusiasm.
The small grammatical choice leads to a big change in our thinking about experiences. Replacing “but” with “and” can allow us to be mindful of the whole picture rather than fixate on parts of it.
You might wonder about reversing the original sentiment to “I feel scared, but I have a lot of enthusiastic thoughts.” My guess is that, in the short run, this way of looking at the situation would improve one’s mood by emphasizing the positive. At the same time, the “but” still negates a valid part of the experience.
Trying to discount the fear is not typically effective either. It invalidates that part of the emotional experience. I can say with great conviction that ignored and invalidated emotions don’t disappear. In fact, they tend to grow in intensity. We need to acknowledge and validate unpleasant feelings in order to truly experience the positive.
Most of life’s experiences include an array of emotional reactions. It is understandable that our attention tends to land on one and discount the others. There is a lot to be gained from taking in the whole picture. This small grammatical change can help our minds do that.
On that note, 16 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy have had a lot of great episodes and some stale story lines. When I am mindful of all of that, I know I will continue to tune in.
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