I have always been someone who likes rules. Not all rules, of course. I certainly don’t like rules that don’t make sense to me or that seem unfair, and I am always happy to question those. Yet, in general, rules give me a sense of security. I guess I like to know I am doing the “right” thing when that is possible.
Rules create order out of chaos.
There are many situations that don’t have clear-cut rules. Those tend to make me a bit anxious. How else do I know if I am doing it “right,” or well enough. I can remember the anxiety of being a new parent and my desperation for rules. If there were rules and I could follow them, I knew I wasn’t messing up my baby! When I was able to identify rules, I stuck to them rigidly.
My son has followed in my footsteps. Not surprising since he was that first baby! I often tease him that he makes up rules just to follow them. The existence of rules, even those he makes up, reduce his anxiety. He has rules about his wake-up routine, rules about his exercise routine and rules about his homework. They are all self-imposed, but I think he forgets that sometimes. For him, it is as though they are written in stone.
He comes by that naturally from me and generations before me. My sister and I were recently joking about the rule that dishes shouldn’t be left in the sink, most especially when you go to sleep. It turns out, not everybody knows that rule! It was my dad’s unwritten rule, which he passed down to us. While I happen to like this rule, it was a long time before either my sister, or I, realized that this is not a universal rule!
So, why do people like me and so many others like rules and even seek them out? The answer often lies in perfectionism.
Perfectionists tend to judge their self-worth largely on their ability to achieve high standards. Thus, they often develop rules and assumptions designed to ensure that they meet these standards. Often these rules are random.
Rules help us make sense of the world and manage every-day life. These rules, however, are most effective when they are realistic, flexible and adaptable. In contrast, many of the rules of perfectionists tend to become rigid, and even unrealistic. They become ways to assess oneself.
I have become well acquainted with perfectionistic rules both personally and with clients. They tend to cross over from helpful to incredibly stressful. Yet, the stress is as self-imposed as the rules.
I have recently become aware of rules I had unintentionally made for myself about this blog. I started out with the intention of posting weekly. This intention quickly morphed into a rule. I found myself feeling pressure.
A few weeks ago, I realized how silly this pressure was when it was related to something I do for fun. The arbitrary rule had become too rigid. It had further gained power with an underlying rule of “In order to be good enough, you have to post every week.”
I have worked with many clients on these rules we develop for measuring our success and self-worth. The most effective approach to making these rules less rigid and powerful is to test them. That can be very scary! It can feel catastrophic to break the rules.
I knew that was what I needed to do. I had created the rule and now it was time for me to conquer it and put it back in its place as a tentative guideline. I needed to skip a week of posting a new article.
The funny thing is that it was harder than I expected. In fact, I made the challenge a little easier by re-posting something from last year! I’d like to think it was what we call “systematic desensitization.” When an all-or-nothing approach feels too hard for clients, I often break down testing rules into more manageable steps. This seemed liked a good first step.
It turns out that nothing happened without that new post. I did not explode; the world did not swallow me, and I didn’t even receive any negative feedback. Most obviously, I did not lose any self-worth. Instead, my rule took a small step back into being a tentative guideline.
Next time, I will have to skip a week all together.
How about you? Any rules you need to loosen up on for yourself?
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