I recently scrolled through Facebook and came across a meme I liked. It read: “‘No’Vember: The month we work on saying “no” when we need to say “yes” to ourselves.”
I liked it so much that I re-posted it on my Facebook and Instagram pages. The message is one I believe strongly in. The number of “likes” I received suggests I am not alone in this sentiment.
Many of us have been socialized to believe we need to give of our time and energy at all costs. It is not okay to say “no” to someone else’s needs or desires. It is not okay to be too tired from our own life demands to take on those of others. Heaven forbid we just acknowledge that we don’t want to.
I am a huge proponent of being generous with our time and resources. Personally, it gives me great satisfaction to make someone else happy, or to make their life a bit easier. That said, I do believe many people need to strike a better balance. While we should help others, we also need to leave some space for our own needs.
DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills encourage us to be “Fair” in our interactions in order to maintain self- respect. That means being fair to others as well as fair to ourselves. When we consistently minimize the necessity of our own needs and desires, our self-respect takes a blow.
We are also physically and emotionally exhausted. That can increase our feelings of anxiety, sadness and anger. Perhaps we should all practice saying, “I can’t do that that because I don’t want to feel sad, anxious and angry.” Okay, maybe not, but we should at least think it on occasion.
The problem for me is that no matter how strongly I agree with the theory of this message, I struggle to execute it. I have been trying to figure out why.
I definitely fall victim to the socialized message I already mentioned. I think that message is probably intensified by working in a “helping,” or “care-giving” profession. Moreover, I chose that profession because I like helping other people. That line can become a bit blurry in my personal life.
Beyond my joy in making others happy, I really don’t like letting them down. I try to balance my needs with those of others by considering whose need is greater. If I have the flu, my need to rest is greater than someone else’s desire to go out to dinner. Similarly, if a friend needs a shoulder to cry on, I consider their need greater than my desire to watch a movie.
The difficulty here is that it is rarely that clear! My biggest need these days is some “down time.” Yet, the things I would have to say “no” to always seem more important than my need to be a couch potato for a few hours.
Like many of us, my kids do not drive and have very busy schedules. I do not want to ask them to miss their commitments and I do not want to miss cheering them on. Somehow it doesn’t seem right to say, “Hey coach, my kid has to miss practice because I need some sleep!”
The difficulty here is that my kids get down time, though definitely not enough at times, while I am tending to the other kid, work or other obligations.
My husband is faced with the same struggle. He has a demanding work schedule, obligations around the house and shares in supporting the kids. He too needs rest and I often prioritize his rest over my own.
One of the things I am realizing is something I often tell clients. It is far easier to throw up road blocks when we are problem-solving than too acknowledge options that are less than perfect, but still options.
I need to be more mindful of when to say “no” and to do so without guilt. Rest is critical for our emotional and physical well-being. Even when it feels like nothing can give, something always can.
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