Picking my son up from swim practice is an every day occurrence. He typically gets in the car with a smile, even if it is a tired one. However, after one particular practice, he got in the car looking really down. Given that I am not one to leave that alone, I asked what was up.
He explained that his practice group was reprimanded for taking too long to complete a set. “Okay,” I thought, there has to be more to this because that doesn’t seem like a big deal. I asked if they were “in trouble” and he said they weren’t. I then asked if anything else was upsetting him. He said he had been corrected on a few mistakes in practice. Also, sounded fairly common.
As far as I could tell, nothing extreme had happened, but the look on his face was extreme. I commented that he seemed really hurt and upset and he agreed. I then asked if the other kids were upset by the reprimand. His perception was that they moved on quickly.
So, why was my son looking so hurt? His response seemed like shame, which tends to be easily triggered for him. He spent much of the ride in silence.
One fairly obvious explanation came to mind. Dialectical Behavior Therapy outlines that there are physical states that increase emotion sensitivity and intensity. I am sure you have noticed that when we are tired, or hungry, our reactions become more intense. This seems to be particularly relevant for sadness and anger.
In my son’s case, I knew he hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before, had gone to practice before school, attended school and was now finishing a second practice at 6:30pm. Definitely tired! I then notice he still had his after-school snack. That means he hadn’t eaten since school lunch at some ridiculous hour like 10am. Oh boy! I definitely had a tired and hungry teenager on my hands…also known as super emotionally sensitive.
While that explained some of the intensity of his response, it was likely only the tip of the iceberg.
It is common for people to walk away from reprimands, or constructive criticism feeling mildly sad. They typically bounce back quickly, as my son reported his teammates did. However, as I have learned listening to clients, others have a much deeper and longer lasting response of shame. Frequently, that response is caused by how they interpret any form of negative feedback. Shame suggests that the criticism is experienced as representing a long-standing personal defect.
Often when we receive negative feedback, we explain it as due to something external, specific and temporary. In the case of the coach’s feedback, many kids would assume the coach was grumpy (external). They would also assume the feedback was specific to the one swim set. Finally, they would assume the coach’s feedback did not generalize past that moment. Those assumptions help them to experience less discomfort from the feedback.
The more internal and global one perceives the feedback to be, the more likely they are to experience shame after the event. For example, what if a person believes the coach’s feedback indicates that he is always angry with the swimmer, thinks the swimmer always performs poorly and believes the swimmer performs poorly in all areas of his life. Now we are talking about a very upset swimmer.
These attribution styles are learned over time and some of us are born more likely to develop them. Often, these explanations occur in our minds without us even realizing it. We simply experience the intense emotional reaction and don’t even know why. Other times, we can identify our assumptions about the feedback that create shame.
When teens are having this response, they typically need some time to sit with their feelings. Once those feelings settle, it can be helpful to assist them in identifying that the feedback does not represent an internal, global fault.
I left my son alone until he got home and had dinner. Once the hanger wore off, he was willing to see the situation more clearly. Knowing that he is prone to these shame responses makes it even more important to decrease vulnerabilities to emotion such as hunger!
