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I am not a big believer in New Years Resolutions. It’s not that I don’t believe in committing to change. Rather, I don’t believe in the way I see so many people use this ritual. 

I hear so many resolutions based in “should statements.” People often use them as one more way of telling themselves what they “should” work on. 

Like any goals, I believe resolutions are helpful when they are directed at creating a life that is meaningful to you. I encourage my clients to ask themselves whether they would still make this resolution if others couldn’t know they achieved it. I ask myself the same question. The idea is that resolutions shouldn’t be about pleasing other people….unless that will make you happy.

Once we make resolutions, we need to break them down into small, achievable parts. We are so much more likely to maintain them if we experience some success. 

Consider the common resolution to go to the gym. Have you noticed the gym parking lot is overflowing in January, but back to “normal” in March? One reason for that phenomenon is that people shoot too high. They resolve something along the lines of “I am going to go to the gym every day,” or “I am going to look like a super model.” 

While these big gestures sound good on January 1, they are hard to maintain. In contrast, if we resolve to add one day a week to our current gym schedule (or lack of), we can likely succeed. Then we can build from there.

Another key component to resolutions is not allowing them to become another source of shame. Far too often, if resolutions aren’t kept, people then use them to beat themselves up over one more thing they “did wrong.” Similar to any time of year, I think resolutions are goals. 

Goals are what we are shooting for. Goals keep us motivated. Beating ourselves up does the opposite. If a goal isn’t accomplished, it may be time to re-evaluate, but it is not time to feel shame. 

Try to replace shame with honest reflection. Is your resolution still truly important to you? Does it need to be broken down into more doable steps? What might have interfered with accomplishing it?

I do not tend to make New Year’s resolutions. I do, however, like to take a look at whether my day-to-day life reflects what I value. When it doesn’t seem to line up, I set goals to change it. I have made progress in that direction, but also have progress to make.

I hope we can all replace traditional “should” resolutions with a plan for smaller steps to living our lives consistently with what’s important to us. None of us needs another reason to beat ourselves up.