My son came down for breakfast looking uncharacteristically serious this morning. When I asked if something was bothering him, he responded simply “Its 9/11.” Those words don’t need much explanation to any American. Yet, I asked what he was thinking.
At 15, my son cannot remember the terror of that day. Yet, the impact has underscored his entire life. It was a brief conversation, but he expressed what so many of us are feeling today. He was feeling saddened by an anniversary of such devastation. He was also feeling anxious about what the anniversary could mean.
The slogan I hear most on 9/11 is “Never Forget.” I don’t know that any of us could. Even those who were not born at the time. Yet, I find some part of me wanting to push back against this sentiment.
While I strongly believe we must remember, I feel overwhelmed remembering the enormity and tragedy of that day. That then spirals into feelings of sadness for all the loss, pain and hate that has come since.
I have a need to be mindful of more than the devastation of that day. I need to remember and be thankful for some of the positive that shined even in the pain and horror of 9/11. Finding meaning in this way does not lessen the grief. Rather it allows me to move forward more effectively.
I want to remember the courage and selflessness that was shown by our first responders. I want to remember the love and kindness shared between loved ones and strangers alike as we processed and mourned. I want to remember the gratitude we felt for people we love and life itself.
I also want to remember what can happen when we allow hate and anger to rule our actions.
For that reason, I want to honor our past by being mindful of how I act in the present. I want to allow the devastation to inspire current and future acts of courage, love and gratitude.
In my work, I talk a lot about a DBT skill entitled “opposite action.” The skill is designed to decrease the intensity of an emotion. It involves taking actions in direct opposition to the urges stemming from the emotion we seek to decrease.
When I feel saddened by 9/11, my urge is to not think about it. Rather than avoid remembering the day as a whole, I can act opposite by remembering the spirit and humanity that shone through in our darkest hour.
When I feel anger at the people responsible for the tragedy, I want to lash out. My opposite action is show acts of love and kindness that I would like to define our society.
When I feel anxious about future acts of terror, I want to avoid living. I can act opposite by engaging mindfully and with gratitude in the current moment.
I am not trying to eliminate the sadness, anger and anxiety we will always feel in the aftermath of 9/11. Rather, I want those feelings to be effective in how we move forward.
It has not escaped me that this is the 18thanniversary of that tragic day. In the Hebrew language, the number 18 is associated with the word for life. It is looked on favorably as representing hopes for a long and happy life.
May this 18thanniversary be a reminder that while mourning loss, we need to also celebrate life.
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Your blog reframed this tragic day in an inspiring way. Thank you for helping readers to deal with difficult memories.