I walked downstairs this morning to start my morning routine with a cup of coffee. Before I poured that first cup, I went upstairs to grab a sweatshirt. That’s when my day started going sideways.
My daughter was having a rough morning. One of those mornings where you are tired, feel overwhelmed by the day’s responsibilities, overwhelmed by your own emotions and start feeling like you just can’t do it that day. This is not her typical morning.
While my kids are often tired, she isn’t typically so down that she wants to skip school. On the one hand, I believe we all have to push through most of the time. Occasionally, though, we all need a day off. I wasn’t quite sure which one of those today was going to be for her.
While I was trying to figure that out, my dogs started barking up a storm outside. I feel really guilty when they are that loud before daylight. I ran downstairs to let them in.
As I opened the door, my son was deciding he wanted to bring leftover Chinese food for lunch. He was already running late (very unusual) and he doesn’t usually leave time to pack lunch. He started going through the leftovers and was frustrated that a lot was already eaten. Leftover Chinese food is a hot commodity in our house! He was getting agitated and I was feeling like I had to solve it. Looking back, I don’t know why I thought I had to solve his rising frustration (other than self-preservation), but I did.
None of these situations were a big deal, but it felt like everyone needed my attention at once and immediately. I also hadn’t gotten to that coffee yet and could see my phone alerting me to several texts. My irritation was rapidly building. I started noticing the thought “oh, it’s gonna’ be one of those days!”
I am getting better at noticing that thought and trying to put the brakes on it before it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I took a deep breath. You know, the kind where everyone can see you are stopping to take a deep breath! Then I said aloud, “okay, one thing at a time.”
My son made the bus, and I decided to let my daughter go in 45 minutes late. It turned out that I could take her in at 8 and still make an appointment I had on time. While she didn’t want to go at all, she was agreeable to the compromise. I felt comfortable that I was finding a middle ground between teaching the “you need to push through” lesson and recognizing that we all need a break.
When I dropped her in the school main office, the sign-in sheet prompted her for a “reason for tardiness.” She looked at me and I suggested she write “just not feelin’ it today.” I felt like that summed it up for both of us. Some days you are “just not feelin’ it.” It might be due to some major life stressors, or just the combination of a few smaller ones.
On those days, we have choices. We can avoid the day all-together. That will definitely feel good in the short-run but, may have some unfortunate consequences. I leave that option for rare occasions. I typically use a combination of DBT distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills.
The most powerful effect for today came from a skill DBT refers to as evoking a different emotion. I sometimes jump down the rabbit hole of looking for ways my day is proving to be “one of those days.” Instead I refocused on a different emotion by tuning into the humor. It may be silly, but the idea of writing “just not feelin’ it” on an official school document started that ball rolling for me. Possibly because the school administrator laughed at me knowingly.
I continued focusing on laughing by sharing it with my husband and sister instead of a “venting text”. Luckily, they share my sense of humor. I also heard some really strange story on the radio driving to my appointment. Apparently, a woman was arrested for driving a motorized cart around a Walmart parking lot with a Pringles container filled with wine.
It’s a good thing that made me laugh out loud. That round of laughter shielded me from my annoyance when I signed in for my appointment on time, only to find out it is Wednesday!
* Epilogue: In having my daughter read this (to make sure she was comfortable with me posting it), she gave me some important feedback. While she was feeling overwhelmed, one of the things that bothered her was the messy state of her bedroom. Once she was calmer, I explained that our natural tendency when we are overwhelmed is to avoid everything. It is far more helpful to pick one thing you can tackle to help you feel accomplished. This morning, I suggested she make her bed for exactly that reason. As it turns out, she just told me that was the most helpful part. Noted!
