What will your holidays look like this year? This is a question I love to ask friends because I regularly ask it of myself.
Creating the Christmas experience I want for my family has been a yearly struggle for me. The reality is, I grew up in a Jewish family. As a child, I never felt particularly left out of Christmas, but I did idealize what celebrating the holiday must look like. After all, my only understanding was from the positive portrayals I saw on television, as well as some funny mishaps portrayed in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”
Christmas was introduced to me in college by celebrating with my boyfriend (now husband) and my dad and stepmom. As an adult, the holiday has always involved trying to figure out what the holiday meant for me, as well as balancing the desires and expectations of everyone around me. Most importantly, I have wanted to give my kids happy holiday memories and traditions.
Over the years we have developed some wonderful traditions and memories. My absolute favorite is hanging the picture frame ornaments filled with pictures of Christmas and Channukah celebrations over the years. I have been a bit of a slacker adding to these, so I will get on that later today!
We have also learned some things that really didn’t work for us. Overall, I am moving into this holiday season with two lessons.
Most importantly, there is not a right way to celebrate holidays. There are positives and negatives to everyone’s holiday celebration. People have different traditions and different desires. Some like a slow pajama day Christmas and some like to move from party to party.
I have to admit that one of my favorite Christmas days reflected my own childhood tradition of ordering Chinese food for Christmas day. It was definitely not your typical Christmas day meal (unless you are Jewish), but it allowed all of us to relax together and eat food we happen to love. I have no doubt that some of you cringe at this idea and others think it sounds awesome.
Again, realizing there is no right way to celebrate frees me from the pressure to make things perfect, or “get it right.” Well, not completely, but it does go a long way!
Recognizing there is not a right way to do things led me to my second lesson. A happy holiday season can only be accomplished through good communication with all involved. That is where I like to consult my DBT Interpersonal skills.
The holidays always involve trying to meet the needs of multiple people. One of the biggest reasons that needs don’t get met is because we don’t communicate our own needs to our loved ones and we don’t ask about theirs. Often, we assume everyone knows what is important to each person which includes assuming our loved ones know what is important to us. These assumptions tend to result in a lot of disappointment.
When talking about our hopes for the season, we need to recognize the validity in everyone’s point of view. If there is no one right way to celebrate, then no one’s desires can be wrong. There needs to be a balance of getting what we want for ourselves and attending to the desires of those around us.
As I wrote last year in “Hallmark Holidays,” I don’t believe holidays involve continuous picture -perfect moments. I do, however, think that these two lessons will help me enjoy the season as it unfolds. It will not all be picture perfect, but I hope it will be “right” for us.
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