After reading the book Small Animals by Kim Brooks and writing my post “Small Animals Considered,” I have been particularly tuned in to the role fear plays in my parenting and the parenting in the families I work with. While that book addresses fear for our kids’ physical safety, there are other fears that effect how we parent.
How often have you said or heard something to the effect of “I just want my kids to be happy.” The other side of that wish is a fear that they won’t be. That fear results in our desire to make sure our kids make decisions to lead them down the path to happiness.
Sometimes I have to remind myself of a few things to reduce that anxiety. First, I can’t control everything. I realize that is obvious, but even the obvious slips by me sometimes. Second, there is not only one path to happiness, but rather many possible options. Related to that, I have to remember I don’t have a crystal ball to tell me which paths are “right” for my kids’ happiness.
When I am dealing with my more rational self and am remembering all of the above, I know that one contributing factor to my kids’ happiness is allowing them to make their own choices. Not all of their own choices, but an increasing proportion of them as they get older. It doesn’t mean I step out of the process, but rather than make the decisions I think are best, I coach them in making the decisions they think are best. Then, I take a deep breath, let them experience the positive and negative consequences and cross my fingers.
Both personally and in my clinical practice, I have always believed it is important to let kids make their own decisions and just as important to let them experience the natural consequences, so they can learn from those decisions. I want them to be happy, but part of being happy is learning to make decisions that have both short-term and long-term effects.
I put my money where my mouth is when my daughter wanted to quit swimming. My husband and I loved swimming for her. It was a great way to be a part of a team, get healthy exercise, and be productive. Not to mention that it has been great for her big brother. My daughter did not agree that this was the activity for her! After much discussion of the pros and cons, we let her make the call. There were some expectations that she would find alternative ways to be productive and get some exercise, but swimming did not have to be the path to her happiness.
There have been some hiccups, but, 6 months later, I think she made the right call for her. She found a new activity in horseback riding that she is now passionate about. The arguments over going to swim practice have been replaced by requests for more time at the barn including a working student position there. Most importantly, she is happier and more self-motivated.
After my personal experience with the role of decision making in motivation, I stumbled upon a GREAT book entitled The Self-Driven Child. In a far more detailed way than this post, William Stixrud, Ph. D and Ned Johnson, outline the importance of giving your kids more control in their life decisions. I strongly recommend this book! So much so that I have included a link to purchase it from Amazon.
The book also helped me realize I have a long way to go in letting my kids make decisions in the face of my fears. I followed the books instructions and asked my kids what they felt they wanted more control over. Surprisingly, my daughter said nothing. I am not completely sure if that is because she feels in-control, or just wanted to go back to what she was doing. My son however, made a great point.
He said he was the only kid in high school with an early bed time and he wanted more control over it. So fair! This is definitely something I have controlled out of anxiety. He has a long history of sleep disorder and maintains a crazy schedule. I am always worried about sleep deprivation. That said, he is off to college in a few years, so he needs to learn to monitor his own sleep. The past few weeks we have been letting him decide when to go to bed. There have been some nights that were, in my opinion, too late. However, he has also listened to his body on a lot of nights and isn’t showing any more signs of sleep loss than usual. We shall see.
I would like to point out that I am definitely not suggesting an absence of rules. There are issues we feel strongly enough about that we have to lay down the law. However, we need to pick and choose these issues. There needs to be a balance that doesn’t leave kids out of control of their own lives. We can start with the small decisions and work our way up to helping our kids make mindful decisions about their own lives.
I hope you will check out this book and let me know what decisions you give over to your kids.
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