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I spend a lot of time listening to people recount emotionally painful experiences. In doing so, I have witnessed a huge range of reactions from people to their own emotional pain. One that I struggle with is “Its fine.”

Sometimes I have to bite my tongue before I exclaim “no, it’s not.” Sometimes I just say it flat out.

I have heard this response from people reporting they are mourning a loss, going through a divorce, or facing an illness. I have heard “it’s fine” when I acknowledge the pain someone experienced as they describe an abusive relationship, or a sexual assault. These experiences can be described in many ways, but “fine” is definitely not one of them.

After the holidays I listened as a friend told me about some painful family interactions over the holidays. Her face was full of emotion and I could see her physically trying to bury those feelings. It was clearly painful to recount and so, she simply replied “it’s fine.”

Regardless of the intensity of our emotional pain, saying “it’s fine” does us a great disservice. It invalidates and dismisses the reality of our experience, which only serves to increase the intensity of our suffering. It further decreases our self-respect by suggesting that we deserve to be hurt, or our hurt is unimportant.

I do believe there are some helpful messages suggested by some people’s use of the term “its fine.” I think many people are hinting at the DBT concept of radical acceptance. DBT explains that in order to decrease our suffering we need to “radically accept”, or completely acknowledge the facts of a situation. This is an idea often captured by the phrase “It is what it is.”

A key component of radical acceptance, however, is acknowledging the facts of a situation, not “being okay” with those facts. In fact, denying the suffering caused by a situation would mean not acknowledging an important part of it. It is only when we have full acknowledgement that we can move forward effectively. Denying our pain often leads us to move forward in less healthy ways.

Consider my friend’s painful family interactions. Denying her pain by stating “it’s fine” may decrease her suffering in the short-run. However, it also means she is likely to continually subject herself to similar situations. Acknowledging the pain allows her to potentially talk it through or decide to set certain boundaries with her family.

Beyond moving towards radical acceptance, stating “it’s fine” can also be sending the helpful message of “I can handle this,” “I will be okay,” or “this won’t get the best of me.” I love these sentiments. It is encouraging to let ourselves and others know that a painful situation will not be the end of our happiness. At the same time, these encouragements should not negate the difficulty in the moment.

We can acknowledge our current, or past struggle while also believing we will navigate it successfully. Thinking of some of my clients, we have often worked towards statements such as “it was not okay that I was treated that way and it won’t define me.” Similarly, “it sucks to be going through this and I know I will make it through.”

One might argue that these are just small word differences. Yet, we can’t underestimate the power of some word changes in altering the way we think and feel about a situation.

I can acknowledge that I am guilty of the occasional “its fine” response. So, to all those who have been the recipient of that response, I will correct myself. “It really does suck and I will not let it get the best of me.”

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