One of the characteristics of DBT that I love is the assumption that we need to create a life worth living based on our own values and desires. We then need to work towards living a life that reflects those values and desires. These needs are viewed as essential in helping us control our emotions.
I enjoy helping people identify what is important to them and finding ways to incorporate those choices into their lives. It’s harder than it sounds. We can all come up with a hundred reasons why we can’t possibly do that. It is often easier to come up with roadblocks, such as time, money and obligations. These are realities.
When I start to feel a general sense of discontent (or more technically, the “blahs”), I like to take a quick inventory of things I consider important and how they match up with my day to day life. For example, one of the most important life factors for me is feeling connected to my family. I like to know the “big things” going on in their lives, but, just as important to me, is the small connections over a joke, or small event in the day. For the most part, I think my daily life reflects that. When it doesn’t, I start to get that discontent feeling and I reach out to someone. I particularly enjoy a shared laugh.
In recent years, I have come to believe that seeing more of the world was a component of life that I value incorporating. This value was definitely subject to all of the roadblocks I mentioned. I find it particularly hard to allow myself time away from my work and family schedules. However, inspired by my sister’s extensive travels, I decided I needed to prioritize some level of travelling.
Two years ago, I was lucky enough to join my sister in London and travel to Paris. As I mentioned in my recent post “Inspirational Landmark vs. McDonalds,” I also just returned from a trip to Barcelona and Amsterdam. I tried to limit my roadblocks by making each of these trips only 5 days, by taking full advantage of my husband’s accumulated travelling points and by accepting my parents’ generous offer to watch the kids. With the roadblocks minimized, I was able to pursue my goal.
These were great trips. I loved them. I also learned something important about my values.
All these years, I have been misinterpreting a belief that I should see more of the world’s cities, as something I valued. I developed a belief that to be well-rounded and educated, I needed to experience other cultures. Part of me still believes this. However, my trips also helped me realize the part of me that doesn’t like foreign cities!
I loved sitting in cafes and watching people from other cultures while I was safely out of the way. However, I am not fond of the hustle and bustle of cities. When you add the fact that I can’t speak the language, I feel completely overwhelmed. I also feel a constant pressure to visit infinite landmarks and museums to make the most of my trips. The reality is I enjoy these experiences in small doses. It may make me less cultured, but it also makes me happier!
I fell into a trap that I often warn clients about when helping them identify life worth living goals.
We have a tendency to confuse what we think we “should” value with what we actually value. So many times, we are trying to live lives that reflect other peoples’ values, or the values we think will be approved. That is not helpful for regulating our emotions.
I still loved my European trips. However, what I valued about them was more the time spent with people I love and the time to take leisurely walks, view pretty scenery and enjoy leisurely meals. I can do that in a lot of places other than Europe.
Have you given any thought to what values are actually important to you as opposed to the ones you believe should be?
