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Most of us associate Thanksgiving with gratitude. Like many, I try to be mindful of all that I am grateful for. Most especially my family. This Thanksgiving I found myself especially grateful for my parents.

As my dad and step-mom left our home on Sunday, I noticed the typical sadness of seeing them depart. It was fairly tempered by knowing I would see them in a few weeks. The greater feeling, however was a new-found appreciation for all they had done to help me out while they were there. While I have always appreciated them, there was also something that got in the way of my appreciating their help.

As a teenager and young adult, I went through the typical stage of wanting less advice and “help.” I was trying to assert my independence. I watch my own kids as they navigate their competing needs to both ask for and reject my help. What teenager doesn’t want to believe they know it all and need no assistance?

My dad always said, “listen to what I have to say and then you will do what you want.” I probably shouldn’t put that in the past tense, since he still says it 😉 I have actually always appreciated the input of both my dad and step-mom even when I don’t always agree.

However, as I started my own career and family, I also found that sometimes the offers of help left me feeling stressed. That stress has never really made sense to me. I am close to both of them, so it didn’t seem like it “should” cause this reaction. Their help has also never felt as though it had strings attached.

It has gradually dawned on me what the caused the stress. This Thanksgiving I took a huge step in letting it go.

Offers of help from my parents, and often others, triggers a thought for me. A subtle one that I don’t always notice. I somehow developed the belief that when they offered assistance, it meant I was somehow failing. If they took over a responsibility, it meant they didn’t think I could handle it. If they fixed something in my home, I assumed I was being judged.

To be clear, these thoughts came from me, not from my parents, or anyone else. Many of us develop core beliefs, such as people are judging me. We then look for evidence that we are right and disregard evidence to the contrary. Thus, regardless of people’s intentions in offering assistance, I used these acts as confirmation of a pre-existing belief.

The shift in how I understand offers of help had to come from me strengthening my belief that needing help is not a sign of weakness. Ironically, this is a message I am confident in delivering to clients. The shift did not require a change in the offers of help.

The result…

Shortly before my Thanksgiving guests arrived, my new carpets were shedding. They shed so badly that they broke my vacuum and I had carpet fuzz EVERYWHERE. When my stepmom very generously took apart my vacuum and fixed it, I felt nothing but relief and gratitude. Similarly, when my dad scrubbed my oven and pot bottoms after the normal holiday messes, I did not feel judged. I felt appreciation. So much more enjoyable!!

There is no doubt that my belief and comfort with offers of help will still take work. Yet, my stronger belief at the moment is that I am very lucky to have my dad and stepmom. I have learned that offering assistance is their way of communicating love. It was only in my head that they were communicating a belief that I couldn’t handle it on my own.

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