It is fairly common for clients to tell me that they don’t like conflict. At least one part of my internal response is typically “you and me both.” I hate conflict. It makes me very anxious.
Though my intellectual side is very aware that relationships can tolerate conflict, my emotional side often fears the imagined catastrophe that may develop. I actively work on reminding myself of the unlikelihood of these outcomes. I also recognize that the larger problems with conflict stem from the way we voice it.
My dislike of conflict has led me to develop some effective behaviors and some not-so-effective behaviors.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy has taught me that even when I disagree with people, I can attend to my relationships with them. To do so requires showing interest in their perspective and validating their point of view. It does not mean agreeing.
Like many people, when I disagree with what someone is saying or doing, my natural tendency is to want to prove that my point of view is better. However, if I stop and listen, there is typically at least as much, if not more, truth to their point of view. Looking for that truth allows the other person to feel heard instead of each of us just vying for the “I am right” position. When everyone is working on hearing what the other person has to say, rather than working to make their point louder, conflict doesn’t occur anywhere near as often.
I am not suggesting that I give up on my beliefs, rather that I don’t give up on the other person’s beliefs either.
Another key DBT skill I use to reduce conflict is using a “gentle” approach. Most conflict actually arises with people I care a lot about. When I remember how much I care about them, my message is delivered more effectively. My tone and the content of what I am saying is gentle. When my inner voice is screaming “what the hell is wrong with you?” at the other person, I take a few minutes before speaking. That way, what I actually say is a lot kinder and doesn’t involve attacks!
At this point, I should put the brakes on any belief you may have that my life is conflict-free. I wish! My attempts to focus on these techniques reduce conflict, but they don’t eliminate it. For starters, I am far from perfect in remembering to use them. Strong emotions can get in my way. Especially if my “mamma bear” tendencies are activated! Also, the people I am disagreeing with aren’t always invested in using the same skills.
Beyond being imperfect in utilizing a gentle tone and validation, my fear of conflict leads me to another ineffective behavior. Sometimes I avoid conflict to a fault. As I said, it makes me very anxious. To avoid that anxiety, sometimes I avoid contentious topics all together instead of addressing them skillfully. In the short term, that reduces my anxiety. In the long term, it wreaks havoc on my emotions.
I can trick myself into believing that always avoiding topics of conflict will maintain stronger relationships. The reality is, it builds resentment and decreases my self-respect. Just as I want to validate others’ point of view, mine needs to be heard also.
I am working on avoiding conflict-ridden topics less. I think the key is waiting long enough that emotions aren’t running too high on either side, but not so long that I convince myself there isn’t an issue.
