A few weeks ago, I was feeling a strong sense of accomplishment as I looked back on the amount of change I have taken in stride this year. While it has not been easy, I felt good about the way this change-averse woman had handled one thing at a time and come out the other end. I still do. I am not letting go of that sense of mastery. Yet recent events have me taking a closer look.
Four years ago, I was diagnosed with an inflammatory autoimmune disorder. The doctors have settled on ulcerative colitis, but I like to keep things interesting with some Crohn’s Disease features. I am very fortunate that this is not a life-threatening illness. It has, however, thrown a pretty big wrench in the works of my health at several times.
Though the origins of Ulcerative Colitis (UC) are thought to be genetic, the symptoms and flare ups can be exacerbated by stress. Hmmmm.
My UC is largely treated with some hefty immunosuppressant medications. When it flares, for me, the inflammation caused to my GI tract leads to a whole lot of time in the bathroom (sorry, TMI), major fatigue and some fevers. If that flare gets too far, the inflammation hits other parts of my body.
Long story short, just after my end-of-April birthday, I started showing signs of a flare. Not much to do about it, so life went on per usual. I have made some progress in self-care, so I did notify my doctor and scheduled appropriate tests. The tests confirmed I was flaring, and some medication was added.
I was on top of this! I was taking life in stride and getting shit done!
Long story short, while I was feeling a sense of “I got this,” my body decided I didn’t. My pancreas and kidneys decided to join the inflammation party. The whole party wound up in the hospital for a few days and life had to take a break.
The ordeal was stressful. I also won’t lie. It was kind of nice to be told I had to just rest and be waited on by some really wonderful nurses. The time also gave me the opportunity to try and reflect on what I need to learn from this.
There’s a lot that goes through your mind when you can’t do anything else, but for now, I am going to settle on a few take-aways.
First, I was reminded of something I often teach clients about mindfulness of our emotions. While emotions sometimes feel like they go from 0-10 in no time, it is seldom the case. There is a climbing process, but we have to be mindful of the small signs that indicate the changes. As we observe these small changes, we need to pause and consider options for how to minimize their impact. Rather than hoping it just goes away, we need to realize that the earlier in the escalation process that we take notice, the more opportunity we have to avoid a level 10.
This is true for emotions and it is true for taking care of our bodies. I will give myself credit for improving in this area of my own stress and health care. I will also acknowledge I have some work to do.
I have also come to realize, that I tend to let some black and white thinking creep in around my health and self-care. Either I am totally healthy and can take on the world, or I hit a wall. I am processing the middle ground. I do not have to be acutely ill to realize my body is not perfectly well. I also don’t need to go as far as to say I completely didn’t take care of myself. Once again, I have made progress and I still have work to do.
I am big on the DBT skill of finding meaning wherein we acknowledge that a situation can be distressing and still have some opportunity in it. Being sick was not what I had in mind, but it has given me the opportunity to take a closer look at how I handle stress and my health. I am allowing myself to hold on to the sense of accomplishment from a few weeks ago while also acknowledging where I need to improve.
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