On Mother’s Day morning I was lucky enough to drink coffee in bed and scroll through Facebook prom pictures with my son while my daughter and her friend made a beautiful breakfast. Once breakfast was over, my son cleaned up the kitchen…without me helping.
After that I watched a movie…in the middle of the morning. I have been wanting to see “A Star Is Born” for the longest time but didn’t think it was a family-movie. Today, I watched it because Iwanted to. I highly recommend it, despite the fact that it made me cry.
I enjoyed every minute of feeling like I didn’t have to do anything. Until a funny thing happened.
I started cleaning the kitchen a bit more and I folded a load of laundry. These are not unusual activities for me. However, I noticed I was doing them happily despite knowing I had full permission for a day off.
So, why was I suddenly doing chores? These same chores sometimes make me very grumpy. They also sometimes make me feel very satisfied. Why do I feel so differently about them at different times?
The answer is that I experience these chores differently when I tell myself different things about doing them.
On Mother’s Day, I was doing them without the thought of “this is something I haveto do.” Anything that feels like a choice feels more desirable. The reality is, that chores are always a choice to some extent. However, at least for me, I don’t always feel like they are. Especially if I believe no one else will do them.
While believing chores to be optional is helpful in increasing my motivation, there is a more crucial question. Do I feel appreciated?
I want to emphasize the word “feel.” I often don’t feel appreciated. Yet I don’t actually know that to be true. Rather, it is sometimes a story I tell myself as I do the same tasks day in and day out without any spoken gratitude. I fill in the blank with an assumption.
This way of distorting our thinking can lead to intense emotions that are not based in fact. Often, I feel frustrated doing chores because I am making an assumption that, at times, my family shows me to be wrong.
Today they said, “thank you for all you do.” Today they told me I am important to them. Today they told me the things I do don’t go unnoticed.
I realize that Mother’s Day is designed for these words. However, that shouldn’t diminish their power. The unfortunate truth is that most of us appreciate a lot of things…silently. We don’t necessarily tell people what we are feeling thankful for and what we appreciate. That doesn’t mean we don’t think it.
I know I am guilty of both not always noticing helpful gestures and of not expressing my appreciation every time I do notice. DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills emphasize that It is so important to express how we feel rather than assume other people know.
In the end, my enjoyment of a few chores on Mother’s Day showed me a few things. It isn’t effective to assume a lack of appreciation when the words aren’t’ spoken. However, it is effective to speak the words to people and let them know how appreciated they are.
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