I can get really frustrated with the quantity of doctor’s visits, medications, and procedures it requires to keep my ulcerative colitis in check. I have never forgotten to feel gratitude that my illness is not life-threatening, but that doesn’t stop me from getting discouraged. It seems like a never-ending cycle of new medications, new side effects and new doctors. This was the state of mind I was in sitting in the waiting room waiting for my most recent monthly medication infusion.
All I could think was that I had a million things to do, and this routine was getting old. As I sat there, a very talkative gentleman sat down close by. Sitting down clearly took some effort. I am not sure what prompted his openness, but he explained to me that he had a degenerative brain and muscular disease. He was at the infusion center three times a week in hopes of just slowing the progression down. My eyes filled with tears.
I felt sorry for the man’s pain and I felt sorry for my own self-pity when my difficulties paled in comparison.
I experienced a similar reaction at a recent swim meet. Much different context, but very parallel experience. My son had been very frustrated with his swim times recently. When he is frustrated, I tend to join in. He works so hard at something that comes a lot more naturally for some of his teammates. His hard work doesn’t always seem to pay off. There is a defeated look he gets that hits me hard.
This particular meet had not started for him yet and I was felling anxious that he might be disappointed again. While I know he needs to experience disappointment, I don’t have to like it!
As we waited, the meet kicked off with a less common type of race. The swim club has a wonderful special needs program and, at this meet, a few of the participants with special needs had the opportunity to race. We all cheered them on enthusiastically as it clearly took all they had to make it across the pool. No one cared if they were slow, or if their strokes were “legal.” We were caught up in how hard they were working to accomplish what comes so easily to the rest of the swimmers there. Including my son.
It was a powerful reminder of how hard some people truly work at things other’s take for granted. My son’s struggles pale in comparison.
You may notice my use of the expression “pale in comparison.” I was recognizing just how much I have to be grateful for when my struggles could be so much more challenging. I often teach this skill to people as a method of reducing distress. We have a natural tendency to notice the people who have it easier and we need to stay mindful that there are also those who have it harder.
There is a caveat to this skill, however. It is not meant to make us feel like our distress is invalid because someone else’s is worse.
This is where I struggle. We need to find a balance between validating that we are hurting and maintaining perspective. This is not an either or.
I will acknowledge that I am both entitled to my own distress while maintaining gratitude and perspective. Wish me luck with that and let me know how it goes for you.
Click HERE to follow Psychdiary on Facebook and receive links to new blog posts and more
