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I spent some time yesterday preparing for the effects of Hurricane Isaias. We were not expecting direct impact but knew the predictions were for heavy winds. I moved any items that were likely to take flight inside.

I looked around to see what else I should move. My dad suggested I move the barbecue away from my glass sliders. Good call. Running my plans by someone almost always yields some helpful tips.

I had some concerns about other property damage that might occur like trees coming down, or worse yet, falling on the house, but I realized there wasn’t anything I could do to prevent that. I had done what I could and now my best bet was to enjoy the remainder of the nice day before the storm.

Currently, I am pleased to report that we had some anxious moments, but the worst of the storm has passed, and the damage is light.

Preparing for the hurricane was similar in many ways to planning for events that may create an emotional storm. In my personal and professional life, I am a fan of the DBT skill “Cope Ahead.” It teaches us that we can reduce the intensity of emotional reactions to events by making a coping plan ahead of time. 

Coping Ahead is not likely to eliminate emotional distress, but it is likely to make it more manageable and less intense.

Recently I have had some difficult conversations with people. Heading into them, I coped ahead by giving thought to what I would say, what timing might be right and what reactions they might have. I also made plans to soothe my own nerves. I sought advice.

At some point, I also realized coping ahead could easily cross into obsessive worrying. At some point I needed to realize I couldn’t plan and control everything. I couldn’t make something difficult suddenly seem easy. I also couldn’t spend all my time worrying ahead instead of being in the current, pleasant moments.

Like my hurricane planning ahead, this emotional planning ahead was definitely helpful.

At the same time, I have often cautioned people that coping ahead for all emotional components isn’t always possible. Sometimes we have to stay in the moment and recognize that we will have to endure that discomfort when it comes and can’t really control its impact.

An example came up recently with a client anticipating the death of a grandparent. She was desperate to “cope ahead” for the loss. While we discussed actions, she could take for closure, she also had to recognize that grief cannot be controlled. No amount of pre-planning would make the loss less intense. Rather we could focus on how to make room for her to acknowledge her grief.

I related to her pain. When my own grandmother was dying, I thought I could lessen the pain by “preparing myself.” Yet nothing could have prepared me for the weight of that phone call, or the grief that came at unexpected times with tsunami force.

Like a hurricane, we can take efforts to minimize damage, but some damage we can’t predict or control.

I try to remember that despite the storms, weather or emotional, the sun does come out again.

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