About a month ago, my son gave me a good lesson in choosing effectiveness over being “right.” The irony here is that this choice is a skill I have been teaching clients for 11 years. Typically, I think I am pretty adept at choosing effectiveness, but, this time, my son became the teacher.
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), “doing what’s effective” refers to the decrease in emotional suffering that occurs when we focus on what is most effective given the facts. It means not getting stuck in what’s “fair,” but recognizing what is most helpful in light of the actual situation.
For my son, his skills were tested when he learned he would not be attending a swim meet that was very important to him. If you follow this blog long enough, you will find that swimming is a huge part of his life. He worked very hard all fall to qualify for this meet.
When he found out he was going, he was ecstatic. Unfortunately, two weeks before the meet his coaches were informed that they had to reduce the number of swimmers attending. I received an email on a Monday afternoon that he would not be able to attend. He was qualified for fewer events than some of the other swimmers. The decision made sense, but it really stunk! I knew how upset he would be.
I decided the news would come best from me. Unfortunately, he was at school and he typically stays late to go to practice with some teammates. Since I wouldn’t see him before practice, I texted him to give me a call. I was dreading it.
In my mind, I expected he would be too upset to go to practice. I offered to come pick him up. To be honest, it’s what I would have wanted for myself. I think some time to be upset would have been completely understandable. My son had a different approach.
He got quiet. He thanked me for the offer. Then he amazed me.
He said he wanted to go to practice. He explained that, as upset as he was, he knew that not attending the meet meant swimming in a smaller meet only a week away. He had goals for his swimming and skipping practice wouldn’t help him accomplish those goals at the next meet.
I was shocked. My instinct would have been to give into some far less effective choices. I would have completely understood wanting to temporarily throw in the towel.
Neither of us always chooses effectiveness when our emotions are running high. I was really impressed that he did that day.
Your own kids will amaze you believe it or not, i have 2 girls and a son myself, and everyday when i speak with them it amazes me at their age the understanding that they have that most adults do not comprehend to. Shocker, absolutely, be amazed for more things to come your way as you child gets older, such a good read. Until next blog