I was awe struck by the eloquence of Amanda Gorman as she recited her own words at the inauguration last week. Politics aside, I hope all can be inspired by her.
She ended with words that have been quoted far and wide since then. “For there is always light, if only we are brave enough to see it. If only we are brave enough to be it.” My love of these words was echoed by many. Yet it was another quotation that truly hit home for me.
“And the norms and notion of what ‘just is,’ isn’t always just-ice.”
These words call to mind a phrase that I have often struggled with. “It is what it is.”
It used to be that when people said this to me, I was annoyed by it. I took it as defeatist. I thought it meant I should be okay with something just because it “just is” and that I should feel helpless to foster change.
My feelings about this phrase have evolved with my understanding of “radical acceptance,” a skill taught by Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Like many, I assumed that to accept something implied that you believed it was okay and fair. Yet, no such thing is implied by radical acceptance. Rather, to radically accept something means to completely acknowledge the facts as they are. There is no requirement of agreement, approval, or resignation.
A common question that arises when discussing this skill, is whether DBT is implying we should let the facts be what they are forever and give up. The definitive answer is “no.” We do not need to give up on change, or the future. In contrast, radically accepting the facts as they are is critical in facilitating change.
This is the lens through which I have been contemplating Amanda’s words. There are so many societal norms that make me unhappy. In order to limit my distress by them, I have often turned to denial. I have looked for signs that what I hope to be true already is true. This is a complete lack of radical acceptance.
In the short run, it has been more painful to increase my awareness of “what is.” It makes me uncomfortable.
I think many people feel this discomfort when they acknowledge societal norms as they are. The response is often to decide these norms must be “just,” or fair simply because they exist. Such an evaluation immediately reduces our distress.
In my opinion, Amanda Gorman has asked us to practice radical acceptance by opening our eyes to the facts. However, she has also called on us to not stop there. Rather, acknowledging the facts should compel us to evaluate whether we want the norms that ARE to be the norms that WILL BE.
Our evaluation of the norms cannot lead us to deny them or refuse to acknowledge them. Instead, we need to accept them as they are to evaluate them. We need to accept them as they are to gradually and effectively work towards changing them in the future.
I do not believe there is justice in so much of what we have come to expect in our society. However, I know that the discomfort of acknowledging the facts as they are is critical if we are to be brave enough to see the light and to be the light.
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