I was scrolling through Instagram when I saw the above pictured quotation. I laughed out loud and instantly shared it. This is so me. I am admittedly a “neat freak.” I actually worry less about cleanliness than feeling like everything is in order.
My family believes more in leaving a trail. I tease my kids that I know what they have been up to by following the trail of discarded shoes, socks and jackets. They usually lead me to a randomly placed dirty dish, empty wrappers, an array of papers and a few other items strewn haphazardly around in places they don’t belong.
I tend to mutter in irritation as I walk through the house picking up items and returning them to where they belong. I used to wonder why people couldn’t simply put their thing away. Then I realized that I knew the answer. Why should they bother? Everyone knows I will eventually do it and that I will then let them know where these items have landed. If I had someone to do that for me, I probably wouldn’t bother either!
From the perspective of behaviorism, I am providing negative reinforcement for their behavior. Negative reinforcement means a consequence that increases the likelihood of a behavior being repeated because it leads to the removal of something unpleasant. A useful example would be telling my kids they don’t have to do their chores if they get good grades. That’s not actually happening! However, you can see that the consequence of not having to do unpleasant chores would likely increase the chances they do what’s needed for good grades.
In my case, and I am guessing in many other houses, I have unintentionally used negative reinforcement to make my kids more likely to leave their stuff all over the place. If they do, they know I will take away the unpleasant task of cleaning up after themselves and of trying to remember where things are!
So, I know the way to get them to pick up is to stop doing it for them! Let them experience losing their stuff and not being able to eat at the kitchen table because it is too covered in their papers, jackets and lunch boxes. Let them experience the stench when rotted food is not thrown out.
If I know this, why am I still walking around the house muttering as I pick things up?
There are actually a few reasons, some more mindful than others.
Though irritating, picking up after my kids is less frustrating than the constant nagging it takes to get them to do it on their own. It is also easier than waiting till they get around to doing it. My behavior is actually being reinforced as well! It’s often easier to just do it myself….in the short run. We so often choose the path of least resistance because it is easier in the present moment. There is no doubt, I would make my life easier long term, if I could handle these shorter-term annoyances.
My picking up routine is also due in part to an internal conflict. I don’t think it’s fair to expect everyone to behave the way I do. I may like a neat house and putting things away immediately, but many other people don’t. Who says my way is the right way? Well, I do, but last I checked, it isn’t a law.
There definitely needs to be a middle ground that allows us all to live the way we want to live. On my end, I try to relax my expectations. However, my desires are also important. At least that’s what I would tell a client ;).
Figuring this out is a work in progress. However, I know that if I keep picking up, I will continue muttering and they will continue to leave a trail.
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