In my post last week, “Different Choices Can Both Be Valid,” I attempted to write about recognizing the legitimacy of people having different ways of doing things. I was reflecting on different house rules in different families, but the idea is just as relevant within families.
I am fortunate enough to be on vacation this week with my family at my parent’s home in idyllic Maine. My husband and I have been coming for 20 summers and my kids for their entire lives. Despite the fact that we all love being here, our ideas of the “perfect Maine vacation” vary widely.
I could happily begin my day with a longcoffee-drinking period as I sit on the porch with my family and stare out onto the lake. My daily activities would include reading, sunbathing, some dips in the cold lake and lots of long boat rides. Most importantly, I would avoid car rides because I spend way too much time in the car when I am at home.
My husband enjoys coffee time on the porch and boat rides as well. However, he would prefer his day to be far more active with a lot of day trips to town and hiking spots. He would find music events throughout a reasonable radius and find new towns to explore. Did I mention I don’t want to get in a car? 😉
The kids have some desires in common with each of us. Unfortunately for my husband, no one wants to go hiking. The kids also don’t drink coffee and would rather watch morning tv and make big pancake breakfasts daily. Between large meals they want to swim, learn to drive the boat and water ski. They also want their dad and I to do all of these things with them.
I am so thankful for the fact that my family likes to spend time together. At the same time, trying to do that and make everyone happy is exhausting!!
I think most people would agree that family vacations require compromise. However, within that broader concept there are a few DBT skills that I am working to incorporate into vacation this year.
First, I need to radically accept that we are not going to all want to do the same thing. That may sound obvious, but it is actually a key element in decreasing my frustration. One that I really need to work on continually.
I approach each year thinking it will be different. We will magically all want to do the same thing. That thought tends to leave me feeling like I keep walking into a wall because I don’t want to acknowledge it exists.
This year, instead of thinking it will be different, I am trying to do some things differently. As I have often heard, to keep doing things the same way and expect different results is the definition of insanity.
Beyond radical acceptance, I am trying to take a lesson from DBT interpersonal skills and have a better balance between my objective and my relationship goals. In other words, if I just do what everyone else wants as an attempt to maintain happy relationships, I just wind up frustrated and resentful. At the same time, I just feel guilty if I am overly determined to do what I want. There needs to be a balance. Another fairly obvious skill that I find difficult to put into practice.
So, how is this all playing out?
Primarily, it looks like sending people off to do what they want and not always going, but also trying some things I wouldn’t usually go to. In fact, I accompanied my husband to a music festival. I will admit I was only luke warm on the music, but the balsamic brussel sprout pizza was to die for! I also just took a nap in the hammock because my husband went for a hike and my kids are entertaining themselves!
Perhaps the most important progress I have made is recognizing that we all have equally valid ways of spending our vacation. They just aren’t going to perfectly coincide, so I need to stop trying to make that happen.
