When one of my kids comes to me with another activity that needs to fit into the calendar, I typically find a way to make it work. Like most families, I work hard to fit in their sports practices, swim meets, horse shows, social gatherings, doctor appointments, school projects and the ever-growing list of other commitments. However, I find it hard to fit in fun activities for me. There always seems to be some obligation in the way.
Recently, when my husband asked if I wanted to go to dinner and a concert with some friends on a Tuesday night, I hesitated. The typical list of obstacles went through my mind. It would mean a late night after work, finding rides for both kids and, likely, being exhausted for the rest of the week. These are the obstacles of what DBT therapists call my “reasonable” mind.
DBT describes three primary states of mind: reasonable mind, emotion mind and wise mind. A person is in reasonable mind when they approach a situation with logic and empirical facts, but, ignore emotional needs. In contrast, a person in emotion mind thinks and behaves in ways driven by their current emotional state while logical thinking is distorted and very difficult. Wise mind, the optimal state of mind, is the synthesis of reasonable mind and emotion mind. When we are in wise mind both logical thinking and emotional needs are incorporated.
When it comes to my over-planning style, I have a tendency to forget about my emotional needs. So, when my husband asked, I decided we should go and we would figure the rest out. Luckily, everything fell into place.
My husband picked me up at the office and we were off to a yummy dinner that I did not have to prepare! That was when my phone rang. It was our amazing babysitter who was doing after-school duty. Because she is so amazing, a phone call in the middle of plans is unusual. My emotions told me this was not a good sign.
Long story short, our daughter had been thrown from a horse and took a pretty bad fall on her head. After a quick assessment it appeared a trip to the emergency room was in order.
I have to admit that I was wondering for a moment if I really needed to go home?! Of course, I wanted to make sure she was okay. I also really wanted my night out (picture small tantrum).
We turned around and started the hour drive to the emergency room where we would meet her. It was funny how quickly I went from my mini-tantrum about ending our plans, to “what-if” thinking about her injuries and then back to my wise mind where I made the necessary arrangements as we drove.
What struck me, was the guilt I felt about my initial tantrum. How could I be worried about a concert when my daughter was hurt. Then I realized what I often tell others.
We have room to experience multiple emotions. Even when they seem contradictory. None are wrong. All are valid.
It makes sense that I was disappointed about my plans. It does not in any way suggest I care less about my daughter. There is room to have both of these thoughts and the resulting emotions.
Similarly, when the evening was over, and my daughter was discharged with a mild concussion, it’s okay that my husband and I both wondered “since she is fine, should we have come home?”
At the end of the day, I would trade a concert for my daughter’s well-being any day. Unfortunately, I can’t help but wonder if this was a sign that I should listen to my reasonable mind when it comes to weeknight plans.
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This post is really interesting. I was unfamiliar with DBT 3 states of mind. I realized my “go to” is, too often, emotional mind. Just being aware of this information is very helpful.