“I spilled juice all over, but it wasn’t my fault.”
“I got in trouble at school, but it wasn’t my fault.”
“I was in a car accident, but it wasn’t my fault.”
The statement “it’s not my fault” is a go-to response for so many people. Often times it is true. I know I have said it in honesty many times. In fact, I often say that one of my two favorite categories are “not my fault” and “not my problem.”
The reason variations of “it’s not my fault” are so popular is that it lets us off the hook from guilt, blame and anger. Those emotions may come from others’ reactions, or own self-talk. I am a fan of not owning responsibility for things that you can’t control. Although, as much as I am a fan, letting go of things that are not my fault is not one of my strong skills!
While it is important to recognize a lack of reason to blame ourselves, many of us over-rely on “it’s not my fault.” There are some significant drawbacks to consistently focusing on removing our accountability with this phrase.
For starters, over use of the phrase can result in feelings of helplessness to control our own lives. This sense of helplessness has been shown to cause low motivation and increased symptoms of depression. It can be more effective to recognize the likelihood that aspects of an incident were not your fault and that there are actions you can take to prevent repeats.
I have certainly heard my daughter complain that a less desirable grade on a test was her teacher’s fault for making a test too hard, or not teaching the material well. She may have been right, or she may have been making excuses. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. We try to focus on what she can control to improve her grade next time. Things like spending more time studying or asking for assistance.
What I have found interesting is that she takes this approach with her horse back riding. When a ride doesn’t go as well as she would like, she rarely blames the horse. Rather she looks for what she can do differently without assigning blame. In the end, she tends to get far less discouraged and her motivation increases without her feeling badly about herself as a rider.
I can learn from her in that area!
Beyond creating a sense of helplessness, “it’s not my fault” focuses on what is done as opposed to what needs to be done. One of the underlying assumptions of DBT that I love is that people may not have caused all their problems, but they have to solve them anyway. Getting stuck in assigning blame often keeps us from moving forward effectively.
The example I frequently share with clients is the question of what one does if they are pushed into a deep lake. One could certainly stay in the water yelling “it’s not my fault.” However, that is not going to get her out of the water. At some point, she needs to swim to shore regardless of fault.
This is a similar state of affairs with the spilled juice example. When it happens in my house, my typical response is something to the effect of “that’s great, but can you please clean it up, so we don’t have juice everywhere?!”
It is also great to let the police and insurance company know when an accident is not your fault. Twice I have had someone hit my car in a parking lot without leaving a note. It was clearly not my fault. Unfortunately, it was still my responsibility to get my car fixed if I didn’t want it to stay damaged. I will admit that it was easy to get stuck in “that’s not fair because it wasn’t my fault.” Yet, I have learned not to add to my stress that way.
At the end of the day, like most things in life, freeing ourselves from blame has its pros and cons. The question isn’t what is “right,” but what is most effective to move forward.
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