“That’s not Fair” was, at one point, the single phrase my kids uttered most. It typically resulted from a perception that they were being treated differently. We spent a lot of time explaining that each person is treated based on their own situation and not based on what the other child does. Luckily, the use of the phrase has decreased dramatically over the past couple of years.
Notice I said decreased. It most definitely has not disappeared.
This week it came up twice, though not in those exact words. My instant internal response was to cringe. Both because I find it an annoying conversation and because I try so hard to be “fair,” that the accusation stings. Perhaps it is because of the sting that I took a different approach this time around.
My kids typically split emptying the dishwasher. They have even chosen which part each prefers and, luckily, those are not the same parts! On occasion, I will ask one kid to do the entire process.
On this particular day, I asked my daughter to do the whole thing. It was evening and my son was actually home. However, he had just gotten home after a particularly grueling day and my daughter had been relaxing for a few hours. I explained that to her when I asked her to empty the dishwasher.
She complied but not without complaint. The complaint sounded something like “how come he gets a break when he is tired, and I don’t.”
I will admit I did not feel like having this debate. Emptying the dishwasher is not a major chore and I don’t think it needs to be a big deal to help out. That said, I would be upset too if I felt like others got a break when they were tired, and I didn’t. So, instead of arguing, I validated that I could see why that would bother her.
However, the conversation didn’t stop there. I realized her point was valid, but it wasn’t based in fact. I asked her if she knew that I asked her brother to do some of her chores on Sundays when she works at the barn all day and he has the day off. That stopped her.
She hadn’t realized. How would she have since I never pointed it out? She had made an understandable assumption, but she hadn’t checked the facts. Knowing the facts made us both feel better.
The idea of checking the facts, however, did come back to bite me in the ass later in the week. This time, as my daughter packed her own lunch, she pointed out that I did a lot more for my son when he was her age.
I checked the facts. She is totally right! I told her as much.
The problem is I think her independence is a good thing, so I certainly don’t want to back track. Luckily, she doesn’t want to either. Once I acknowledged she was right, I asked her if she thought something needed to change, or just wanted the difference acknowledged. She just wanted it acknowledged and was happy to move on. I think she deserved that validation.
Life isn’t fair. We all need to process that fact and help our kids do the same. That said, it is a great idea to check the facts to see if our perceptions of inequality are accurate. If they are, a little validation goes a long way in making that fact more tolerable.
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