Many of my college-aged clients have found themselves back at home for an extended period this spring and summer. While some are thrilled to be there, others are struggling to be back in family situations that were never particularly comfortable for them. I have heard common complaints of parents being too hard on them, having too high of expectations and not spending time with them in a pleasurable way. It always makes me sad, especially when I know some of these parents truly desire a better relationship with their kids.
This week, one such client reported that she is “suddenly” noticing an improvement in her relationship with her parents. Despite months of annoyance, she “suddenly” felt like these months had also resulted in a new appreciation for her parents and a feeling that they understand her a little more.
I wanted to jump for joy! Okay, so I really wanted to call her parents and share the good news, but that’s a definite “no-no.”
Beyond those urges, a thought came to mind.
The thought was a comparison to a concept explained well by one of my colleagues. He explained that often change feels like digging in sand until you find water. You dig and you dig and feel like you aren’t getting anywhere because you don’t see water. The lack of progress makes you wonder whether you should just quit. Yet, with great persistence, you finally hit water. When you do, it feels like it was that last shovel full of sand that made all the difference. Yet, we know its not. Despite not see the progress of each shovel full, they still each contributed to the end result. Unknowingly, progress was being made the whole time.
This scenario happens so often when we are trying to make progress in any area, including relationships. My client felt like everything she tried was useless. It is certainly possible some efforts actually were ineffective. Yet, it was the accumulation of all these efforts that led to her new experience. It did not happen as “suddenly” as she perceived.
Personally, I find larger goals much easier to pursue when I can see my progress. I can remember constantly checking my word count as I wrote longer papers in school. Each time the word count went up, I could feel my progress. Similarly, when I am waiting for a vacation or exciting event, I can count down the days to measure progress.
Unfortunately, however, there are many times in life when each step we take is progress, but it is not until the end result that we can see it. My son’s swimming is a great example. He will practice all season and not see any drops in his race times. Then, when he rests for a championship meet, he might see a big drop. He knows that drop was the culmination of a lot of slower progress he couldn’t see. That can make it really hard though to stay motivated in practice!
It can be really hard to remember this concept when we are living the process. We have to remind ourselves that the change we are looking for might only be one shovel full away.
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