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In my recent post, “Helpful, or Intrusive,” I referred to a book I recently enjoyed entitled Small Animals. The book clearly left me thinking because I feel the need to consider one of the central points explored by the author, Kim Brooks. Specifically, Brooks explored the role of fear in parenting. 

In both my personal and professional lives, I am often faced with the question of how much independence to allow children of different ages. The ideas around the “right” amount of freedom have certainly shifted. 

My friends and I joke that when we were children, it was common to leave the house in the morning and play with friends in the neighborhood for hours without direct parental supervision. Yet, when our own children were young, we were afraid to let them out of our sight. What if a stranger came by?

My husband and his sister walked to school beginning at an early age. Yet, at the beginning of each school year, I debate whether it is safe for our children to walk alone to the bus stop. I have measured the distance….it is less than .2 miles from my front door. They are 12 and 15!

When I was 11, my parents dropped me at the mall with friends. I also flew to see my grandparents alone. Interestingly, my parents were probably more towards the overprotective side than I am. Yet, I hesitate to allow either of these activities.

As Brooks points out, there is no doubt that fear lies at the root of many of these decisions. 

Like many of us, I am afraid for my children’s safety in a world that is more dangerous than when we grew up. Or is it?

Having been trained in Cognitive Behavior therapy, I am aware of how emotion can override facts in making decisions. I am also aware of the many ways we distort our perceptions with fears and filters. It is so important to check our facts to see whether our decisions are relying too heavily on distortions based in fear.

Statistics actually point to a dramatic decrease in violent crime since the mid-nineties. Violence against children has gone down as well. Most reported violence takes place within the home. Yet, you only have to turn on the news briefly to hear about a violent crime. 

As it turns out, the news does not report on all the children who had safe days. This leads to a prominence of scary stories in our minds.

I am not suggesting that we all allow our children indefinite amounts of freedom and a lack of supervision. We cannot pretend we live in Mr. Roger’s neighborhood. I am horrified by the amount of threats to safety that we all encounter on a daily basis. You will definitely find me lying awake after reports of a school shooting, which are statistically on the rise.

However, I am asking myself and others whether fear and distorted thinking is playing too large a role in our decision-making process. Is it forcing us to avoid behaviors that are too statistically infrequent? For example, most people realize it is not effective to keep all children out of schools even with the increase in school shootings. I can admit I have considered it, but that is not the life I want for my children. Perhaps we are doing a different type of harm by leading our children to perceive the world as an unsafe place that they are unable to handle.

There is a balance to be found. There are times when the most effective approach to fear is exposure and not avoidance. That is a subject worthy of another post!