I once had a client tell me “I wish my friends didn’t feel responsible for my feelings.” She explained that it was actually more stressful for her.
At first, this sounds perplexing. I have to be honest, that, while it makes perfect sense to me in my office, I often forget this sentiment in my personal life. After all, shouldn’t I want to “fix” distressing emotions in my friends and family? Especially as a psychologist?!
The reality is that feeling responsible for “solving” another person’s emotions is not effective even if you think it is the “right” thing to do.
Think about how taking on this responsibility makes you feel. I have had clients’ families describing it as stressful, overwhelming, anxiety producing and hopelessness-inducing. None of that sounds good. I also happen to agree that it makes me feel that way too when there isn’t a solution in sight.
I realize that another person’s feelings are not about us, the listeners. However, our resulting emotions motivate how we react.
The natural urge with any of the feelings I stated is avoidance. We naturally avoid situations and people who make us anxious, stressed and hopeless. That is the least helpful reaction we can have to our loved ones when they are having intense emotions.
Beyond leading to us avoiding people in their moments of distress, taking responsibility for “fixing” their distress can be very invalidating to them. When we feel the need to “solve” someone’s emotions, we tend to oversimplify the process. We make comments like “If you just…, you will feel better.”
I know I don’t like hearing that. I also know my clients complain about that reaction all too often. It is typically followed by an eye roll. Lol
The eye roll is even more pronounced when a listener’s way of taking responsibility for fixing distress is to try and talk the person out of their feelings. Comments like “Don’t worry about it” and “There is no need to be upset” may make us feel like we have solved the problem, but the person with the emotions tends to feel less understood and more alone in their experience.
We can’t take away another person’s pain by taking responsibility for it. However, we can be “beside them in the hurt,” so that they are not alone. I think of this as being responsive, rather than responsible. Both words are rooted in the idea of “response,” but they have very different ways of playing out.
When we are responsive to someone’s feelings, we let them know their feelings are important and we care. We let them know their feelings make sense given their experience. Most importantly, we communicate our willingness to stand by them in their distress. They are not alone.
Being responsive does not mean we can’t be available to help problem-solve. We may even be able to fix the underlying issue. I love knowing I can solve someone’s problem and ease their distress. I also know how powerless I feel when I can’t. These are the times I try to remind myself that the best thing I can do is be responsive.
Can you remember a time you tried to take responsibility for fixing someone’s distress when it wasn’t yours to fix? Next, time, try validating their emotions instead.
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