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                                “Promote what you love instead of attacking what you hate”

 I have found myself complaining too often that the world feels full of hate. It is ironic, that, as a child, “hate” was the one word I was fined for using. It definitely sensitized me to the strength and power of the word. That power pales in comparison to the actions that can stem from the emotion.

Perhaps that is why the Facebook post with the above quotation really resonated with me.

So many of us are filled with a desire to change the world, or at least some part of it. Yet, too often, we approach this desire for change with hate.

DBT teaches that all emotions are associated with a natural instinct to act in some way. For example, when we feel sad, many of us have the urge to isolate and when we feel anxious, many of us have the urge to avoid. Like any emotion, hate is associated with an action urge. Most likely, that urge is some form of attack.

It makes sense that we are all prone to attack what we hate. Yet, despite the fact that it makes sense, it has proven over and over again to be ineffective. It increases everyone’s anger and tends to perpetuate the hate.

In contrast, promoting what we love results in feelings of joy and satisfaction. Sharing that with other sis likely to promote similar feelings in them. Unless, of course, the cycle is broken by an expression of hate.

The idea of promoting what we love is consistent with the theories of behavioral change as well. Behaviorism teaches us that one of the most powerful tools for changing behavior is relying on the consequences. Pleasant consequences, or reinforcement, makes it likely we repeat a behavior. In contrast, punishment, or negative consequences increase the likelihood we will stop a behavior.

Many people’s natural instinct is to change behavior with punishment. Parents deliver punishments to children who misbehave. We punish a friend’s behavior by taking away our friendship, or time. Similarly, in many relationships, we respond to behaviors we don’t like with harsh words, threats, or the removal of favors. These are all forms of punishment, or negative consequences.

Interestingly, while punishment can be necessary and effective, researchers have found that we are far more successful in changing behavior through reinforcement. Rather than punishing behaviors we don’t like, we are more effective to reward the behaviors we want to see repeated. For example, rewarding a child’s respectful behavior with praise is more effective than punishing disrespectful behavior. Similarly, rewarding a roommate, or spouse for assistance with household responsibilities is more effective than picking a fight when they don’t help. Though, I will admit that picking the fight can feel more satisfying in the short-run 😉

Attacking what we hate speaks to the idea of change through punishment, with the attack serving as the negative consequence. While promoting what we love is not necessarily a consequence, reinforcing what we love definitely promotes it.

As any behaviorist will tell you, there is a time and place for both reinforcement and punishment. If someone is actively attacking with hate, such as in bullying, or a hate crime, they need to be punished in that moment. Yet, promoting kindness and acceptance of others as a general practice will be more effective towards long-term change than that instance of punishment.

We need to shift the balance to focusing more on reinforcing what we love.

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