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I consider myself fortunate that my daughter likes for me to come watch her ride. It is definitely not the smell of horse manure, or the plentiful, huge flies that attracts me. It’s getting to watch her in her “happy place.”

Since my daughter has only been riding for two years and showing less than that, I have a lot to learn. Why does every activity seem to come with its own vocabulary? Trying to understand the different divisions and classes at a horse show can make me cross-eyed. It also turns out there is a lot more to look for in her riding then “phew, she is still on the horse!”

In theory, I don’t need to learn the horse world language because my daughter has become very knowledgeable very quickly. I can rely on her as my “interpreter.” However, it is important to me that she be able to speak about her world without me looking at her with a blank, unknowing stare.

I feel the same way about my son’s swimming world. Since he has been swimming competitively for eight years, I am far more fluent in that language. I understand that a tenth of a second is actually a lot of time, a one hand touch can get you disqualified and that SKIPS (Swim, Kick, IM, Pull, Swim) is actually an acronym for one of his preferred practice sets.

I have a clear memory of my daughter once asking me “doesn’t it bore you to hear him describe every practice set?” My answer was easy. When I love someone, I love to hear them speak about what they love and what is important to them.

I have come to realize that this is my “love language.”

Let me explain what I mean.

A while back, I read a great book by Gary Chapman called “The 5 Love Languages.” I recommend this book so strongly that I have attached a link below to purchase it from amazon. In it, Chapman identifies 5 primary ways people feel loved. He terms these 5 ways “love languages” and explains that each of us has different primary ways of feeling loved and expressing love.

I will make you read the book to get all of the details, but the languages he identifies are “words of affirmation,” “acts of service,” “receiving gifts,” “quality time” and “physical touch.” He explains that each person primarily experiences love through receiving one of these forms of communication. Difficulties arise when one person in a relationship communicates love in a consistently different language than their partner receives love.

As much as I loved this book, I struggled to put my own love language into one of these categories. I felt like I need to experience all of these some of the time, but none of them exclusively or in abundance.

It was while learning more of my daughter’s equestrian (a.k.a horse) language at a weekend horse show that I had an “aha moment.” For me, each of Chapman’s categories fall into a broader language category of “showing interest.”

I struggle to understand what is important to those I love because I feel loved when people express an interest in what is important to me. Someone listening to me with interest will have far more impact on me than an expensive gift that shows little understanding of me. Similarly, words of affirmation that reflect something I work passionately at, have far more meaning than a random compliment. Someone knowing when I really need a hug is more powerful than the “socially expected” hug.

Experiencing love through people’s expressions of interest is consistent with one of the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills I teach to clients regularly. DBT recognizes the importance of taking care to maintain relationships when we communicate with people. One way identified to accomplish this is by showing interest in what the other has to say. Ask questions, learn more and pay full attention in order to demonstrate the importance of the relationship.

At the end of the day, what is important to our loved ones should be important to us. I know I feel loved when people show interest, so I will continue to try and learn the “languages” of what is important to those I love.