Wednesday nights I enjoy watching my daughter’s horseback riding lesson. Or at least I enjoy it most of the time. The exceptions are when I have the not-so-great privilege of watching her fall. This past Wednesday was one of those nights.
She was jumping a course at the end of her lesson and, as requested, I was videotaping her. I still couldn’t tell you exactly what happened as she hit that jump but I clearly remember the millisecond when I realized she was coming off. I saw her hit the ground and bounce into a wall.
I had been watching from the viewing room and immediately jumped up and bolted towards the riding ring. Yet, as I reached the ring, something stopped me. I literally stopped in my tracks and just watched as two instructors handled the situation. I debated continuing my run to my daughter but stopping suddenly felt like the right thing to do.
Stopping allowed me to think about my options rather than just reacting. I have no medical training, but the instructors knew what to look for. My daughter would be upset but not want to cry in front of everyone. Me being there is often what cracks the tough exterior to make way for the tears. If something was horribly wrong, they would yell to call for an ambulance.
Another mom watched me as I stood there and wondered out loud how I was so calm. The answer was that I wasn’t. Yet, as I just observed I slowly became calmer. Until I saw her slowly stand up and brush off the ring dirt. That was when I decided it was okay to approach them.
We discussed the pros and cons of an emergency room trip. I have to be honest that I have rushed her to the emergency room three times already as a “precaution” and it resulted in long hours at the ER only to be told she should rest, and we should watch her. We agreed that since there were no broken bones, we could watch at home for any signs of concussion. Especially since she managed to get back on the horse.
I am happy to report that, while very sore, she is on the mend.
I didn’t think much about my reaction until I was running a group on the topic of distress tolerance skills. DBT teaches that before handling an emotionally charged situation we should STOP. Its meant literally, but also as an acronym that stands for Stop, Take a step back, Observe the situation and Proceed mindfully.
This may not sound like much of a skill, but it is surprising powerful in helping us move from impulsive reactivity, to a calculated thoughtful response. When we act impulsively in an emotional situation, it may be a response that only intensifies the situation, whereas mindful responses are far more likely to de-escalate the situation.
As I was reviewing this concept with my group, I realized it was exactly that skill that helped me manage my daughter’s fall more effectively that I have in the past.
There are certainly times when we don’t have time to stop and think. When you are driving and start spinning out on ice, this skill would not be helpful. Yet those situations are far less frequent than we think. Often there is less urgency than we perceive and simply not responding so quickly is the best response. I find this skill particularly helpful in conflict situations. So many fights are prevented or de-escalated when we simply STOP before reacting.
I have to admit that I love when I am teaching a skill and can honestly report having recently used it effectively!
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