I was on my way to work when my “check engine” light came on. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that a yellow exclamation mark glared at me from my dashboard. Given that I am oblivious to how cars work, that exclamation mark feels like my car is screaming at me. I don’t know if there is a minor problem, an expensive problem, or my car is about to explode.
What I do know is that little exclamation mark brings on an instantaneous stress reaction. The stress comes from a combination of a belief that I better get my car to the mechanic pronto and the realization of “I don’t have time for this!”
I experienced a similar state of stress when my washing machine broke last winter. The first stress was having to go buy a new one. The second stress was when that new one stopped working after the first cycle. That involved a lot of angry calls and having to wait around for repair men. As you all know, those “windows of service” can be ridiculous and leave you stuck waiting for hours. Who has hours for that?
Through the several week ordeal, I was also lugging my clothes over to a very thoughtful neighbor’s house. Did I mention that I have a 21-year-old cat who pees on mats because she won’t use a litter pan? There is nothing like walking into your friend’s house with a pile of cat-pee mats to make you feel like a burden.
As I am writing this, I am also remembering the stress that pops up with the many leaky pipes we have had in our home. It had gotten to a point that my kids would yell nonchalantly, “mom, it’s raining in the house again.” That always brought on an onslaught of cleanup, calls to the plumber and holes in our ceiling that would remain for weeks since there was no time to fix them.
This post is not about all the stressful things that happen in day-to-day life. It’s about how I often dismiss these stressors. My way of doing this is by referring to them all as “first world problems.” I’m sure you have heard that phrase before.
The term became popular on social media around 2005. In, 2012, it was actually added to the Oxford Dictionary. It is used to refer to issues people complain about in First World nations because of the absence of more pressing concerns.
I use the phrase to maintain perspective. I like to remember that it could be a lot worse and that I am fortunate that these are the level of stressors I am coping with. However, there is a downside to my use of the term when I am venting to myself, or to someone else.
The underlying suggestion of the phrase is that we shouldn’t be bothered by stressors less extreme than widespread famine, drought, poverty, or disease. There is no doubt that these are extreme stressors. There is no doubt we should be thankful if we are not experiencing conditions of that magnitude. However, there is also no doubt that even trivial issues can be experienced as stressful. To dismiss them as inconsequential is very invalidating. It causes guilt and more stress stemming from a belief that these things should be “no big deal.”
In my clinical practice, I always take exception with clients dismissing their own experience with statements such as “I shouldn’t let that upset me,” or “other people have it much worse.” Regardless of whether these statements hold some truth, they do not negate the right to experience distress over whatever you perceive as upsetting.
The trick is to replace dismissing our stressors with maintaining perspective. For example, “My problems could be far worse, AND I still feel upset by them.” In this way, we allow ourselves to remember that things like “check engine” signals, broken washers and leaky pipes are not the worst-case scenario. At the same time, we validate the fact that they still bring stress into our already hectic lives.
Click here to follow psychdiary on Facebook and receive links to new blog posts
